Tips for Embarking on New Poly Relationships

For many polyamorous folks, telling a new date they’re poly isn’t something they worry about. If they’re obviously living with multiple lovers or families, dating on poly sites, or looking in poly circles for new relationships, it’s not usually a problem.

Not everyone who identifies as poly lives their life in the same way. Some have to be discreet because of work and family issues, while others prefer to have open relationships but keep their business to themselves.

If you’re dating someone new, you know that traditional social expectations might lead her to believe that you’re looking for exclusive relationships. How do you handle this situation?

Use Polyamory Dating Sites

Dating sites like prevent mixed messages from slowing you down. Your profile allows you to state your needs and expectations up front, weeding out the people you know you won’t connect with.

This is far and away the easiest solution—tell it like it is, up front, before it’s an issue.

Ask Your Date What She’s Looking For

Don’t assume that every date is looking for anything specific. Ask her early on—the first date or before, when messaging. She might be looking for a diversion or a fling on the side of something serious, or her relationship might have an open door.

She might be looking for marriage and a man to father her children, or maybe she’s simply looking for companionship or casual hookups. The only way you can know is to ask. Never assume.

Be Honest about What You’re Looking For

If you’re looking for a woman who enjoys anal play or who wants to explore BDSM because your current gal doesn’t want to, it can be awkward to express. The only real way forward is through transparency. Don’t belittle your own sexual needs and desires by hiding them or being ashamed.

Your new date might be looking for adventure too, but if she’s looking for a chaste romance or a committed monogamous relationship, you both can move on.

Answer all Her Questions

We aren’t always committed to our expectations. All of us have decided to explore something unexpected or veer off course from what we thought we were looking for at one time or another, so even if she’s looking for something other than what you’re offering, take the opportunity to answer her questions about your experiences and about the polyamory lifestyle.

It’s not about convincing or persuading, it’s about respecting her curiosity and concerns enough to provide the answers to any questions she might have. You never know where it will lead.

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