The Polyamory Burnout Blues

Has your dream ever looked like a nightmare? Have you ever had a job you love but some days, it’s just hell on earth? Have you ever taken a vacation to a place you consider paradise, but a certain circumstance unfolded that made your peaceful vacation turn into a long-term stay in heartbreak hotel? Yeah, it happens to the best of us because of the choices of the worst of us. And we both can be either person, depending on the situation.

Nobody is at their best at all times, and even if we are, what does it matter if our friends and lovers might not be? Either our selfishness will save us and damage them, or their damage will not keep us safe from having our security stable when they need us in their moment of crisis.

I say all this to say: sometimes, polyamory sucks.

I’ve had a few times in the last few weeks where I thought fuck this shit! I want to give up on this dream. I can’t believe it, but I have thought those words, for real.

Have I given up on polyamory? God no!

But the truth is, I have questioned polyamory. Primarily because of women cancelling dates on me. I get frustrated that I know my desires and my intentions, and I’m apparently trying to make plans with women who don’t know their intentions or emotions, or don’t feel like honoring them as consistently as I choose to.

When I make plans, I write them down and I show up. I have cancelled plans with women about two or three times in the last YEAR, I swear on my genitals! Maybe having a job as a porn star, writer, and musician helps me WANT to show up all the time to dates, rendezvouses, and get-togethers.

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I don’t like flaking, cancelling, no-showing, or ghosting. I don’t think it’s cool or cute or a sign of having too many options. It’s just selfish to not be concerned with showing up to your poly plans. Sure, it’s as easy as just sending a text ten minutes before the date saying “I changed my mind, I can’t make it, sorry!” But it just sucks to do that to the other person, and it deprives you of living the best love life, which is the WORST thing to do to yourself, even though you are probably too self-absorbed to realize and admit it to yourself.

The amount of poly people around me who have been failing to keep their promises has ALMOST made me regret being polyamorous. But the main reason I haven’t said “love you later” to all my poly partners except one, is because… I KNOW I’M NOT MONOGAMOUS. And the grass is NOT always greener on the other side of the fence, so just because I’m having problems with some of the people in my poly circle now, doesn’t mean polyamory is the problem! It just means: I gotta find different women to give myself to!

If you have a problem, it’s probably not polyamory, it’s the poly people in your circle. Triple check who is fucking up your poly dream come true, if you’re not having the time of your life!

Addi Stewart

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