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Bringing Polyamory into a New Relationship

Many single people know they are polyamorous when looking to find significant others. Others may be in a relationship with one person and still aware that they want to find other polys to love and connect with.

Finding a new relationship is easier now because polyamory is growing in numbers and awareness. More and more organizations and dating sites such as polyamorydate.com are online.

It is possible to introduce someone to poly, but it can be challenging and takes patience. No one should assume monogamy, no matter how long you have been dating. Successful relationships work best if you are upfront about why you are dating and what, if any, other relationships you have going.

Many polys join general dating sites and create profiles (often separate if they are already a twosome) and try to meet people who have experience or who are open to trying it for the first time. In this situation I suggest being honest and upfront about your situation and specific about what you are looking for. Otherwise, you may be wasting your time as well as others.

A single poly can date and not necessarily mention or promise monogamy, where there has been no discussion regarding commitment. Enjoy this while it lasts because the other person will eventually bring up ‘the exclusive talk’ and now it will be time to come clean with your lifestyle. You will need to explain your desire or need (every poly is different) to have a relationship with more than one person. This would also be a good time to define polyamory to your new lover. Discuss your sexual and social boundaries and be ready to answer specific questions.

You may send someone running, but if they have become emotionally invested in you, there is always a chance of opening up someone’s view of relationships. It is up to the other person, as always is, if she or he wants to continue seeing the poly person or not.

Strangely – monogamy has been presented as the only way to be in a relationship, but in practice, there are few lifelong monagamists. I believe there are many poly people out there who just don’t realize it’s better suited to him/her.

I’m not saying: Go out and start converting monogamists, I’m just that it’s okay to begin dating and then bring up polyamory as an option for those that have never heard or thought of the concept.

This happened to me, and it gives me a great deal to think about:

First Time Polyamory Experience

Tell us what you think! 2 Comments

  1. Luth

    April 20, 2013 at 11:31 am

    I’ve always found this part hard. It seems that being single and poly, the cards are stacked against you. Finding another person who is poly or at least open to it, is just so difficult. But even when you’re dating someone, at what point do you mention polyamory? Is it fair to the other person if you let them get emotionally invested, before bringing it up? On the other hand, bring it up at the start and then things are over before they’ve begun.

    It’s my experience that the idea of polyamory gets shot down before it’s even started. Alternatively, the need for change is entirely one-sided. They expect you to be monogamous. Of course, it’s not unreasonable for a monogamous person to want their partner to be monogamous. Everyone has a right to pursue the kind of relationship structure that makes them happy. But as a single poly man, meeting a girl who is wiling to let me be poly in our relationship, feels like chasing a leprechaun, riding a unicorn, at the end of a rainbow.

    • Holly

      Holly

      April 21, 2013 at 11:59 pm

      Hi Luth. Thanks for sharing your experiences with poly dating. I think it’s best to be honest at the beginning of a relationship, but I can see how mentioning your poly lifestyle can make things challenging. Have you tried poly specific dating sites?

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