A Request to Deny a “Request Denied”: There’s No Such Thing As Rejection
Let’s be extremely real: the percentage of people who are open to the idea of you having (consistent) sex with them, and are totally cool with you having (consistent) sex with other people is not that large. I dream of a day when everyone is as open to polyamory as they are to considering global warming is real. But until then, polaymorists truly occupy a rare spot in Western society, maybe even less understood than polygamists, who have carved out a few little enclaves across Canada and America with the support of the government, even if it somewhat operates with the attitude of “don’t ask, don’t tell… we don’t want to know what you do.”
But polyamorists… LIVE AMONGST US, muahahahaha!
Like gays, lesbians, asexuals, pansexuals, transgendered people and other identities of sexual beings, polyamorists walk amongst the “normals” (for lack of a better definition), completely integrated into everything else our civilization does: work, play, drink, eat, watch entertainment, go places, and serve society.
But when it comes to SEX: there’s where polyamorists take a hard left turn from the path that everyone else is travelling on! And when they are driving down that golden road, where they can “occupy more than one vehicle at a time” (to extend the metaphor intriguingly), we encounter other “normals” who witness such activity and fearfully judge and proclaim it dangerous, immoral, strange, greedy, confused, or just plain out wrong.
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And if you just asked that person out on a date: you simply would be “rejected”.
And there’s the thing: “rejection”. What is “rejection”?
Hilariously, the dictionary defines it in two ways, and the SECOND way instantly refers to the sexual nature of humanity.
re·jec·tion
riˈjekSHən/
noun
noun: rejection; plural noun: rejections
- the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.
- “the union decided last night to recommend rejection of the offer”
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- the spurning of a person’s affections.
- “some people are reluctant to try it, because they fear rejection”
Damn! Sucks to be you. Ha ha, no actually, it doesn’t.
First: EVERYONE should realize this strange fact: if you were given every single thing you ever wanted in life, you would be bored to fucking death of everything in life before the age of 21. You may not even LIVE to see 21 years old, if you were reckless enough to want some very extreme experiences and nobody had the power to stop you, teach you, or warn you that “everything that glitters is not gold”. The nature of human greed is too unfathomably enormous to warrant everyone getting everything they want all the time. We’d all end up like Fat Bastard in Austin Powers, alternating our grunting demands between “get in mah belly!” and “get in mah BED!!”
Ha ha. Well, I say all this to say: being “rejected” is nothing more than “receiving an unexpected response,” nothing more. If you look at it from the worst angle, you will see it clearer: to a man who walks up to Scarlett Johansson and COMPLETELY THINKS AND KNOWS he has NO CHANCE to get her into his bed. If he ignores all his thoughts and beliefs and simply asks her, “Do you want to have sex with me?” and Scarlett says, “Hmmm… the answer is no,” then do you think he will feel “rejected”? He will not. He might feel VINDICATED, somewhere deep down inside his possibly bruised ego. He might say “See? I KNEW IT already! I just confirmed what I already knew. I don’t feel bad about her saying no because I already knew she would say it…” and continue along his merry way.
Applying it to polyamory, it’s much more multi-faceted. There are a thousand situations and a million requests that polyamorous people might be able to make with their lovers and friends. There are unlimited possibilities that can happen… and just as many that can NOT happen. But fret not! Because something ELSE can happen in its place, too. What’s that saying? “When God closes one door, she opens another window somewhere else”?
I’ve been “rejected”, no, I mean I’ve heard “unexpected responses” from MANY of the women I’ve approached. I thought they might be attracted to me, or ready to evolve from friends to lovers, or be available for intimate explorations of higher levels of connection. And often, whether it is because of where THEY are as people or where I am as a lover, they have said, “thanks, but no thanks” to an invitation to bring them into my polaymorous heart. And honestly, whenever the ego shuts up and stops crying and stops wanting to possess a scenario that cannot manifest, it becomes possible to ask for different relationships. Most people who “reject” you as a lover are probably still open to being friends or having some kind of connection… you just have to know what to ask for. And polyamorous people have to ALWAYS be asking for what they want from multiple people if they are seeking such joy. But there is pain on the other side of the poly-coin, because not everyone will say “yes”. But you will never know who won’t say “no”, until you risk receiving an “unexpected response”.
Do you expect everyone to want you? That’s kind of arrogant, even for a superstar like yourself.
Read the story of how many times Angelina Jolie rejected Mick Jagger’s constant, months-long requests for sexual connection, and then peacefully realize the universal truth of love, war and life: “nobody wins them all”.
The most important thing after a “rejection” is that you still feel “respected” …by yourself.
If you’re as wonderful as you think you are… it really is their loss. I don’t think it’s arrogant to believe that sentiment. It’s arrogant to SAY it to the person who gave you an unexpected response, but it’s no problem to think it, ha ha! And thankfully, there’s ALWAYS more fish in the sea of love. Accept it.
With passion,
Addi Stewart
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