When the Feelings Are No Longer Mutual

I had a poly lover who nearly changed my life direction. I saw light shining around this person when I met them at SlutWalk a few years ago. OMG, I truly did see white light emanating from their aura when I first saw them sitting on the ground making a sex-positive protest sign. I loved it and cherished them on sight.

I thought we might even have kids together, that’s how powerful this connection was! I waited in the wings while  they extracted themselves from a toxic relationship with another transgender person. When we finally got together, it was RAINBOW FIREWORKS RAINING CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRIES!

We did porn together, made art together, took pictures together, and made so much lovely sex that I couldn’t imagine what would happen… then, it stopped happening. Almost a year ago, exactly.

They wanted someone else, something else, some other way. I watched them walk out of my life abruptly, almost obnoxiously!

Then… they came back to say hello, a few months ago. After confessing that the rope-master who they left me for was toxic and abusive, and cruel to both them AND to the thought of me being a friend, even though I was poly and willing and able to be with my shining-aura partner and be happy for their new relationship.

I was tossed aside like a garment of clothing abandoned in a torrid love affair between two star-crossed married folks moonlighting at a corporate cubicle farm. I was left there like some forgotten panties after the janitor shined his flashlight into the naughty romp. My lover was gone… but not forever!

This person came back into my life, asking to spend time together again. Even though I still saw some light whenever I looked in their direction, the light had changed—not quite dimmed, but somewhat tinted by shade.

My ex asked me to go to an event recently, and I said, “Sure, why not?”

They kissed me on the cheek when they saw me. I thought, that’s nice, but I didn’t feel like returning the favor, curiously. They eventually took a journey back down nostalgia lane with me, and opened the door to the idea of spending time together again. I had to say, “No, thank you, love. We gotta stay friends.”

We have everything it takes to make a great relationship, but after they pushed me to the side for someone who didn’t like me but NEVER even met me, someone who made my lover cancel our relationship, instead of us all being poly together. I’m sorry but I just can’t hurt myself for anyone.

I gently said, “We shall see…” It felt so good, for everyone. They understood and heard me, thankfully! I think that’s real love.

Addi Stewart

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