Although I had an awesome experience recently with a lover’s partner, meeting him and digging his vibe like a shovel with a tuning fork attached, I had an inner revelation that shook me to my core and taught me that there’s ALWAYS work to do in our hearts and on our character.
I really believe that jealousy doesn’t have to exist, and envy can be eliminated from one’s heart and sex life, but it takes vigilant focus and heavy awareness. It takes automatic nonattachment, and it takes a wide open heart.
I am a Professional Love Maker with a polyamorous passionate spirit, so I do my darnedest to celebrate and cheer on my lovers when they meet other good lovers and have great sex and stuff. But sometimes the spirit is willing while the mind is weak!
I had a double whammy lately of joy and pain, sunshine and rain (sing it now, god’s children!) I was told by one of my lovers that she had just met up with an old flame, and they hit it off spectacularly. I was sincerely happy for her, as I know she’s a deeply sensual creature of magic quite like myself.
The thing is that her and I has just gone through a difficult emotional test a few weeks earlier, and shockingly… a small, tiny, microscopic, but enormous piece of me surfaced and said to my soul: “I need more of her, from her, and with her. I really do.”
I had to process that dark and murky revelation for days before I could find the right words, that didn’t sound selfish. I also needed to reflect on my lack of and desire for intimacy. I eventually scraped together the courage to confess to her how I was feeling, and she heard me with such grace, kindness, and compassion.
A huge iceberg of insecurity melted. It wasn’t all gone, so I asked to just lay in her arms and cuddle and love each other to help my heart heal. She wanted to do the same with me, and for me.
Polyamory can curb, control, and occasionally even conquer jealousy, insecurity, envy, and empty need… but it takes communication and care.
Thank goodness we have an abundance of that in our relationship! I care for her and want her to be happy, because I love her. So I will let her be free. If she returns to me, the love was meant to be.
Truly,
Addi Stewart
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