More Mistakes to Avoid in Polyamorous Relationships
1. Defining your Third
Couples often try to be very specific about the kind of person they want, but this is a set-up for disaster as expectations are too high and people rarely fit into a mold. Even expecting a third to want a relationship with both primaries may be asking for too much. Let things unfold naturally.
Some of us have a tendency to want each relationship in a neat and tidy compartment with it’s own identity. Not realistic. Each coupling in poly has an effect and consequences on the others.
3. Expecting One Big Love
In triads and quads you can’t expect everyone to want to spend all their time together and for everyone to necessarily have the same intensity of feelings for each person. We all need space, especially introverts, and there must be room for individual interests and desires.
Sometimes one person in a primary relationship may be more monogamous by nature and try to isolate themselves from their lover’s other lovers. It’s best to get to know them as way of working out feelings of fear and jealousy. You will also see them as human beings with similar feelings and feel less threatened.
5. Bottling Emotions
Poly is all about communication, but that doesn’t mean we don’t need a little reminder once in awhile. Holding onto feelings only creates stress that will come out eventually, usually in a not so nice way. Often times, you’ll have a gut instinct about something and if you can’t pinpoint a feeling immediately, you ignore it. Try to stay focused and look for the root, so it can be addressed before it starts to fester.
6. Making Big Decisions on Your Own
You’re in this together so big life-altering decisions need to be shared. Talk directly to each partner with honesty and emotion, and give them plenty of time to respond.
7. Accepting Second Hand Information
Poly relationships can devolve into what reminds you of playground communication. It isn’t always intentional, but happens as a short cut in our busy lives. If you want to say something or ask something of a person, go to them directly. It’s not fair to use another as a go between, and information can become skewed as it gets passed along.
8. Jumping Right In
Before your first poly encounter, you may have an ideal fantasy of what things are going to be like. This may cause you to jump in quick, but letting things grow naturally is the best way to build a solid foundation that will have a better chance of lasting.
9. Ignoring Your Heart
Your head may be saying things are fine, and that the person(s) you are with or dating is good for you, a stable force, etc. but . . . something may not feel quite right. Don’t ignore this. Unconscious thoughts and feelings often arise slowly because the truth may be painful or hard to deal with. Dig deeper and try to discover what it is that’s bothering you.
10. Fearing Change
In a solid primary, it is easy to think that we can welcome a third and little will be disturbed, and we may not want things to change. The only certainty in life is change, so we must be open and accepting of it. Any person we cross paths with leaves a mark, especially those we are romantically involved with. Change leads to growth – a good thing.
Part 1: Polyamory Relationship Mistakes