Dominants in Polyamory

Aggressive Requests: Where’s the Line?

I have a theory. It’s not scientifically provable, and it’s not even as popular as the Moon Landing is Fake conspiracy. But I have a theory!

I believe there are closet dominatrixes and doms in society, and they don’t even know it!

Relationships are formed by one guiding purpose, practice and principle: a BALANCE of power. The essence of a relationship itself is an agreement of some kind of power and energy exchange with a particular emotional arrangement. This is the core operating system in the software of all relationship connections.

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In every connection there are cables of charged-up emotional energy, and we are giving and receiving them from each other. There are moments when it’s obviously clear that one person is exerting and expressing much more power than the other, like when one person is screaming over the other in an argument, or if someone just shuts down speaking period. It’s easy to tell how the power has shifted in these moments. It’s unfortunate but it happens. And hopefully, the communication that is necessary to rebalance the relationship also happens very soon after, when it’s most healthy and honest to do so.

But, there are smaller, quieter, subtler moments where power imbalances come to light. People don’t really know how to define it sometimes, but I feel like I can.

I have experienced enough of them by now, god knows! And this is how I oversee these slick shifts in energy exchange, instead of getting swept up in the storm, like most shipwrecked fools that float adrift on the sea of mental selfishness while being blown about by gusts of grotesque sexual greed. Aye, matey, me metaphors sometimes drank a bit too much moonshine. Grab hold of something and stay with me, blokes and lassies!

How do requests to explore things in the relationship arise? Like genuine gentle questions, or like dominant demands? Sometimes, its the latter, and people don’t even recognize it for the next level aggression it might be tapping into!

Your poly lover could be a qualified kink-minded individual and not even know it! I have a vanilla (or so she says!) lover that exhibits a level of force and energy that a seasoned dominatrix would tip her leather police cap at! I have other lovers and have played with partners who are active in the kink community, and some of them are NOT as powerful as this particular lover of mine.

The point is: it’s not just wanting to be flogged, spanked or tied up that makes one a candidate for the kink community philosophy and practice. There are overt, covert and unfortunately, even extremely inappropriate areas of life where people who have nothing to do with BDSM are taking elements from the kink community and applying them in their own lives irresponsibly while culturally appropriating. That foulness, if that harsh, deserves some consensual corporal punishment, to put it as nicely as I care to.

Some people are aggressive, pushy, manipulative, forceful, power-hoarding, and domineering in relationships that don’t have boundaries set for those behaviours. And it causes problems with some people who they don’t even know how to deal with!

Set up protective barriers for your own heart, soul, and mental well being is first and foremost. If you need to take a stand to circumvent the power vacuum that is imbalancing the bliss, then do that shit, yo! Sometimes you just gotta stand up for yourself and say, “Enuff-Z-Nuff!” The other original nugget of wisdom that a person might have to employ is the fundamental truth: “no means no” and that’s that.

Define and Know Your Boundaries in Polyamory Relationships

Speak up if someone is pushing you to try a poly scenario you’re uncomfortable with, or have a threesome, or record a sex scene on your phone, or go to a party you really don’t want to go to, or have another drink when you’re two past your limit, or something even more aggressive minus the passive, the compassion and the passion.

Once a mind, a body, and a soul is stretched beyond its boundaries, it never regains its original shape!

Addi Stewart

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