Poly Relationships

Do Feelings Die when a Relationship Ends?

Couple Breakup

You always remember your first polyamorous lover, just like you always remember the person you gave your virginity to.

The vast majority of us are probably born learning some kind of monogamous relationship framework, and we see couples damn near everywhere we look on TV. Polyamorous couples are not the norm in society, and to step out of this heteronormative structure of emotion is a daring, bold and beautiful move for all those who honor that feeling in their heart, I do believe dearly!

And the first person that listens to our intimate aspirations to expand our sexual truth is someone who helps turn fantasy into memory, and harmony into reality. For me, the first woman I was with who was open to being in an open relationship was a woman I spent nearly seven years with, and they were some wonderful times. We experienced the highest highs of life, the lowest lows of death, we went to family funerals and family weddings together, we flew on planes to various places in the world together, we lived together, we ate together, we fought together and made up together… and we went to our first sex club together. We had our first threesome together, with a friend of mine that we both trusted. We had our first multi-person sexual experience together. I heard her give another woman a volcanic orgasm that made other people in the room clap in applause… it was magnificent!

After seven years we broke up because of a betrayal of my heart that wounded me on a level I never knew existed inside me. It was over a polyamorous fantasy that we all tried to make happen between myself, her, one of my best friends in life, and his girlfriend at the time. Let’s just say… it did NOT work out.

I left them all behind. ALL of them. I took my wounded heart, and decided I needed to find polyamorous people who were on my level of honesty. I have done so. She stayed with him in a monogamous (if not monogam-ish) relationship. I moved on to many other lovers.

It has been years since we were together. It took a lot of healing to be able to see a picture of them together without feeling pain. But I healed. PERFECTLY! And I wear whatever scar that left me with proudly. Because it taught me SO much about humanity, deception, instinct and Love.

It’s been about seven years since we were together… and we’re friends now! Yesterday, I went for tea and coffee with her. And for months, even years, I had not felt any feelings of desire to reconnect intimately with her. She was a great friend, and I liked it like that. Peace was made. But, the moment she walked up yesterday…

I remembered why I loved her. It was amazing. And after about two hours of conversation… I think we both realized a few things:

~Some connections NEVER die.

~Once you know who you are, you can’t deny your nature for another person’s comfort.

~Certain values MUST align if a relationship is to have a long-term possibility of existing.

~Some habits and patterns that are created by chemistry will return like emotional muscle memory. It’s kinda crazy!

~Boundaries exist for a reason.

~Jealousy can become compersion, and compersion can become jealousy again. The energy transference is almost automatic, if the egos go away.

~And coincidence has more meaning than the mystery will ever express.

I’m not sure how succinct and complete I can make this article. I just wanted to introduce some thoughts from my own personal experience and really put that question out there:

Will we always have some kind of feelings for polyamorous partners in our lives, even if we KNOW we CAN’T have an intimate relationship with them?

Or is it knowing we can’t have an intimate relationship with them THE REASON why we have some kind of intimate feelings for that past-polyamorous partner?

Wondering in Love,
Addi Stewart

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