When Poly Partners Get Jealous of the New Girl in Town

Dear Jamie,

The mothers of my children and I have been together for over ten years. We are part of a larger poly community and we’re very close, so everyone knows everything. When a new girlfriend comes into my life, usually temporarily, we have a lot of sex. My sex drive and desire for novelty is mostly why I’m polyamorous, and I think that was an honest choice and everyone with me knows those reasons. I didn’t want to ever have to cheat on someone, or to be dissatisfied.

The problem is that during these affairs, both of my long-term partners get really strange. We have healthy loving sexual relationships to this day, but they tend to get possessive or start acting extra sultry or put down the new girl for being “just a pretty face” or some such nonsense. They’re both hornier then but when the girlfriend is gone, they aren’t as interested.

I have talked to them, and they both said much the same thing: they don’t know what I mean, and we should be open about our opinions of other partners and not have to lie about it.

Do I just put up with this? I’m not interested in leaving. We have families and long and successful polyamorous relationships together, but it’s getting on my nerves. – Robert

Dear Robert,

Oh, the delicious problems of too many women wanting you!

That’s all it is, really. When a new kitten comes sniffing around, the tried and true cats get a bit ruffled. It’s probably unconscious to these women that they are hornier and want more sex when you’re getting fresh pussy. This is just biology and instinctive emotion rearing its head to stake its territory and claim.

Even though by reason and logic you have made a different kind of commitment, the body acts according to the unconscious. Your ladies are probably telling you the truth as they know it—they understand the rules and accept them, but when you’re in heat subtle pheromone and emotional changes take place in all of you. The hormones rev up across the board.

As long as it’s not outright malicious jealousy, I would say just grin and bear it, knowing it’s natural and kind of funny. I would talk to your lovers again and say you understand and accept them, and that you will continue to insist on the same understanding for your choices.

Keep any disrespect towards the temporary girlfriend in line, but protect your wives from any kitten disrespect too. This means everyone will see that you’re a man who cares for his sexual partners and values them.

Finally, take advantage of the situation. A lot of marriages get super charged again when one partner is having an affair. In supposedly monogamous relationships, usually the one partner has no clue why the resurgence of passion is taking place. Polyamory is more honest, but the phenomenon still takes place. Hormones beget hormones.

Any woman will tell you that she can go untouched for years, but the moment she engages in dating, men are suddenly asking her out or she has numerous options. A nice man can go dateless and no one looks at him, until someone does—then his phone rings off the hook. It’s human nature.

Indulge in more sex with your wives at the times they want it most—why not? It will keep the bond growing and alive, and it feels hot and naughty, making the sex with everyone all the better.

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