No matter how progressive, unique and imaginative a streaming series, Hollywood movie, or book is in the here and now, a fundamental truth remains: most people are monogamous. It’s not a judgment, it’s just a statistic!
In response to that, we, the good people of Polyamory Today, occasionally like to talk to the non-polyamorous and part-time poly folks to answer questions, solve curiosities, and clear up any misconceptions about the poly lifestyle.
So You Want to Try Polyamory
You want to try polyamory? That’s wonderful! Constant inner reflection is needed when embarking on this relationship style, so get ready to kick your own ass with honesty!
Are you ready, willing, and able to witness, support and/or encourage your partner being with other people? If the answer is yes, then there’s a wide world of polyamory that awaits your slowly growing exploration together!
If the answer is not yet or maybe, I highly recommend you to browse our articles on PT, read books like Open or The Ethical Slut, and listen to podcasts like Sex With Dr. Jess and Savage Lovecast to learn more about polyamory. It’s important to find what aligns to your values.
You will probably have endless questions to ask the poly people you meet in real life or at least until your curiosity is satisfied and you start diving into real world experience, which is when the rubber hits the road and you juggle partners in real time!
Good Reasons to Try Polyamory
It’s good to try polyamory when you have a larger than traditional appetite for connection, affection, and sexuality, and you aren’t a possessive person.
There are going to be moments you might feel insecure or even full-blown jealous about someone else your partner is with, but polyamory that is healthy is about teaching you what to DO with that insecurity and jealousy, and how to get through, knowing your partner will still be there when the difficult feelings disappear.
It’s good to learn that it is possible and actually beneficial to have a bond with someone that strengthens the more lovers you share!
Bad Reasons to Try Polyamory
Polyamory isn’t about racking up sex partners selfishly, or because you want to have a harem of sexual options at your personal disposal.
It’s bad to get into polyamory to try and find a porn community or a kink community to exploit or inhabit. It’s bad to get into poly because you cheat so much in monogamy!
If you can’t tell the truth to one lover consistently, how the hell do you think you’re going to tell the truth to four lovers consistently? Your ego might think it will… but deep in your heart, you know you won’t.
How to Talk About Polyamory with Your Partner
Ask your monogamous partner about exploring polyamory when you both have time to talk. This is a big conversation that needs space to breathe, time to process, and room to discuss desires, expectations, and boundaries.
Don’t bring it up in mixed company for the first time, especially if your partner has no idea you are interested in poly. Maybe ask some questions if you’re at a party where poly folks are, but please frame it in the context of learning and socializing, not being a creep and getting big ideas while your partner watches.
Maybe bring up poly at dinner or while you’re lying in bed after your favorite show. Be ready for a possible “HELL NO!” and then ask yourself how much you are able to accept that. Also be ready for a “HELL YES!” and the exciting conversations and negotiations that will follow.
You Both Want to Try Polyamory: Now What?
The most important thing for beginner and experienced poly partners is: Play inside the boundaries you set for each other.
Boundaries are most important when you’re both taking your poly baby steps in other people’s arms. Keep the communication wide open at all times, seek silence when you need to think, be honest but not harsh, ask questions and be open to your partner’s answers. It may never be the same again, for better or worse!
When Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Try Polyamory
Don’t force it. If they’re not built for poly, then you will not like the life you live trying to force them to do something they really don’t want to do in spirit and/or are dragging their feet to do in practice.
I can’t express in words how excruciating it is for someone who really wants traditional monogamy, but is infatuated or attached to someone else who is openly polyamorous, so they pretend they are into poly just so they can have a relationship.
In a dishonest poly relationship, one person will be deeply resentful either immediately or after enduring a bunch of poly experiences, and you will break up at some point. It’s a recipe for certain disaster with a long recovery to follow.
When your partner doesn’t want to try poly, you have to decide if you are at a crossroads of connection. Are you ready, willing and able to stay committed to one lover? Or do you and your partner want different things out of your relationship, wherein you feel you need to pursue polyamory.
The mono-poly divide can end an existing relationship, but it can go the other way too. Just be real about it, because monogamy can be faked much easier than poly!
Where are you in your polyamorous journey? At the beginning or somewhere else?