Polyamory isn’t easy. On paper we say, “Yes we are all equally equipped to participate in this emotional and sexual endeavor together.” And we hope for the best while also trying to silently know how to survive the worst if that happens to be our fate.
Every poly person does not react the same way to learning that their partner just met someone who they really like and are interested in engaging in an intimate relationship with. That is often a horse pill to swallow, even though it’s not always intense negative news, there’s a level of PROCESSING as you realize your life will have to adjust in some small, medium, or large way.
Some partners make it easier to connect their web of lovers while others tangle their connections with drama, distrust, and denial. Don’t allow it to destroy you!
Focus on HONESTY, with yourself and your partners. Expanding your polysphere is when you learn your capacity for communication, connection, and compersion!
If you or your partner’s partner are experiencing jealousy, there are different solutions to salvage the situation. Here are some helpful tips when connecting poly partners together in the bigger blissful picture.
4 Tips to Sharing Your Partner
1. Connect in Real Time
Have you shared a physical moment together? Definitely not asking if y’all have shared a sexual moment together, expecting that to only happen with the most adventurous poly partners. But have y’all ever had a group hug? Have y’all ever been in the same dance party together and danced to the same song in unison? Have y’all ever had a meal together? Have y’all ever had a coffee or a drink at the bar together?
Meetups in real time help to establish the possibilities and probabilities of personalities connecting… or not so much. Sharing poly partners doesn’t always require sharing space together, but it certainly helps and can open up some emotional space for your partner’s partner in your relationship. Being able to say “Yeah, I had a good time hanging with your partner” is mature and supportive.
2. Focus on Trust
Is there more doubt than trust? This is a question you have to ask yourself and answer honestly. And then you have to ask your partner this question.
Do you doubt your partner wants you as much as they did before they met this new person? Do you doubt in anything new, now that you are not the only one your partner is focused on? Do you doubt you can trust your partner’s partner to be honest and respect the boundaries you have all established? If so, this stuff has to be dealt with as soon as emotionally possible! Find yourself trusting more than doubting, please.
3. Compromise for All
This is the part that proves if the trust is there or not, regardless of what people want to say, pretend, or think. If you can accommodate each other’s schedules and availabilities, and respectfully try to have your cake and let your partner’s partner eat their cake too, then you are doing the work that is necessary to share and make polyamory functional in your lives.
It takes a level of sacrifice, vulnerability, honesty, and communication. It takes compromise to actually do the things we say we want to do in poly, not just pretend while being jealous, resentful, manipulative, and selfish. No, that’s not how we do! We share and get shared with!
4. Evaluate with Check-Ins
And as the days get figured out, and the days turn into weeks, and schedules mesh into each others, you’ll want to check in to find out if you all want to keep the poly party going?
Do you like sharing each other? Is this working out for everyone, with the places you are in your lives, and the relationships you want to connect and combine with? If the answer is yes, then welcome to healthy, full-time polyamorous pleasure—I cherish this space in time for as long as it lasts. Sometimes it’s only a few weeks that get to be shared before individuals move on or choose differently.
Some moments of truth in polyamory relationships make shit fall apart, to be honest. They don’t all turn into happier moments of higher connection. Not all poly people want long-term or extensive bonding. Just gotta figure out who and what works best with you and your people and partners’ partners!
Whether short or long term, just share yourself with the best of intentions and affections, and let yourself process your polyamorous positives and negatives as purely as you can!
Adhimu “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart