Being busy is a curse of modern living. While I will gladly cheer on the conveniences and benefits of this century— running water, women voting, and polyamory becoming less stigmatized—the pace of work, families, and technology can feel frantic. At the end of a long day running around, or eyes fried from ten hours on the computer, sex can feel like a nightcap, something you want to get over with.
The quickie has many benefits, but it should be more like a treat, not a staple of one’s diet!
Prioritize Your Sex Life by Slowing Down
Pencil sex into your calendar.
Scheduling sex or a date night is a classic time-management technique and a concept often used in relationship or sex therapy. It might sound clinical and lack spontaneity, but it really just means you are prioritizing intimacy and putting that relationship and physical connection on par with stuff like overtime, Costco, and helping your friends move.
Turn your phone off, and turn your undivided attention to each other.
Prioritize sex quality over quantity.
Rekindle the flame by skipping unnecessary casual appointments with some lovers and giving more time less often. Some women will appreciate a reduced schedule of polyamory dating because they want to immerse themselves in work or catch up on other good things in life like friendships, fitness, or passionate pursuits.
Depending on where you and your partner are at, seeing her once a month for an unhurried dinner and a slow, sensual sleepover date might beat a rushed hookup weekly.
Take a new lover.
Sex over time becomes so familiar and comfortable that it starts to feel more like a fuzzy blanket than a jolt of adrenaline. It’s universal—almost no one makes out for hours after their first year, at least not regularly, the way you did when you first met. You trade fire for comfort and security.
One benefit of polyamory is that you can have both—a new lover keeps the heady rush alive, and long-term relationships reward you with deeper intimacy.
Taking a new lover comes with a little bonus for poly people—you must have noticed how the sex gets crazy hot again between long-term lovers when one of you finds a new partner.
Get offline and out in the world.
Want more energy for the important things like love and sex? Skip the Netflix and chill, and set up a schedule for putting down the phone and computer. How is “doing nothing” so exhausting? The screen sucks up brain power and leaves your body tired!
Unplugging might be a pipe dream, and a good binge on favorite shows is something everyone enjoys, but we can all cut down some of our screen time. Skip the Facebook scroll on your commute and read a book, or go for a walk instead of watching a show you don’t really like. Volunteer for menial jobs in the office or coffee runs—every moment off a screen is a minute gained for energy later.
Get kinky and explore your fantasies.
Kinky sex is often more elaborate, more holistic, and slower to unfold. It takes time to dress up for role play, enact scenarios, build tension or arousal, or set up for a BDSM session. The focus is on imagination and a diverse range of erotic experiences.
Staging a scene for a voyeur to watch, or giving a woman a pedicure if you have a foot fetish, are just two examples of kinks that require more than a little wham-bam.
How do you slow things down and enjoy the moment more? Please share in the comments.