Tips & Advice

50 Shades of Grey Book Review (Tips for BDSM Beginners)

Sexy Dominatix

15 SHADES OF GREY MATTER: THE BDSM POLYAMORY EDITION

(DEDICATED TO E.L. JAMES)

So… I did it. Last night, I actually got through the whole 500+ page “phenomenon”, the housewife romance masterpiece 50 Shades of Grey. Oy vay!

I can’t believe I’m even typing out these words, and they will now live forever on the internet, like a scar from a bamboo leather whip session with no safeword. Ha.

Let me be blunt: 50 Shades of Grey started out absolutely horrible. I actually ROLLED my eyes at the book while I was reading it, truly a first in my three-decade-plus career as a literary connoisseur. By some sick, twisted miracle, it even got a little bit worse! Then… miraculously… it actually started getting… acceptable. Then it actually stopped being painfully predictable and genuinely got better. And, by about halfway through, I found myself utterly enjoying the atrocious thing! Talk about a guilty pleasure. Personally, it’s not that it was actually satisfying, and it wasn’t really groin-tingling (even though it definitely has its share of sex scenes), it was just… interesting. The author FAILED to portray an actual credible member of the BDSM community as her introductory protagonist/antagonist, but she succeeded in capturing and articulating the innocent naivete and complex emotional confusion of a vanilla virgin (yes, the main girl is a virgin!) who stumbles upon “the opportunity of a lifetime” by aligning her sexual stars to the multi-millionaire bad boy Christian Grey. Well, he’s much more like a psychologically manipulative sociopathic stalker… that is “sooooo good-looking”, we are reminded, about 555 times.

But, all idiotic clichés aside, there are also some very problematic suggestions about the things that might introduce and inspire a person to become involved in “The Lifestyle”, as the bondage/domination, sadism/masochism scene is sometimes referred to as, and I’d like to counter the inevitable onslaught of pseudo-players and fraudulent freaks who came out at night on Valentine’s Day, when 50 Shades hits theatres. So, from the experienced heart of Malcolm Lovejoy, here are 15 shades of real world BDSM fantasy come true, in appreciation of the percentage of the population that will discover the beauty of sharing their sexual superpowers with others who are curious about exploring the less-travelled corridors of human sexuality and role-playing intimate experiences. I’ve done a few things that are super-extra-kinky, and I’d like to share them here for anyone who is interested in taking their sex life to the nexxxt level!

5 Sex Toys My Ass Has Been Beaten With

1. Flogger (velvet cat-o-nine-tails) ~ A flogger is a tool with a firm handle and multiple octopus-like half-soft/half-hard tentacles about a foot long protruding from the handle. A beginner’s toy for BDSM practitioners, the flogger is actually NICE to get punished with! It is a versatile object, able to inflict both gentle pleasure and mental pain to any body part, but preferrably the back, ass and legs. Being flogged sounds way worse than it actually is, please believe it! Floggers, like all BDSM gear, are very versatile and can be absolutely incredible to experience the sensation of a flogger flicking, flashing and fiercely fucking up your back and backside.

2. Leather Belt Strap ~ Yeah, it’s a level up from a flogger, that’s for fucking sure. You’ve felt this probably, when you stole something and your parents caught you. It’s not much different, except its your lover, not your mom and dad, giving your ass that serious smack. It is biting, it is thick, it is heavy and hard. The pain is usually dispersed well enough, but it’s STILL serious fucking OW. And wow.

3. Sheepskin Ping-Pong Paddle ~ At this point, you realize your ass is no longer in Kansas anymore, Toto. The leather ping-pong paddle delivers a SMACK! that your hind parts will not soon forget! The focused, sharp intensity stings oh so wonderfully, it does, it does. Round edges and small impact area makes the paddle a playtoy for precision strikes upon the supple submissive’s skin. Serious damage can be done with a paddle, it’s a very wieldy weapon in anyone’s hands. And when an ass is up and presenting itself for punishment, a leather paddle brings the pain and the pleasure on a level where it should only be ventured by those with a pussy and/or balls of fury.

4. Wooden Rolling Pin ~ NOT the typical BDSM toy! But, I was once beaten upon my backside with a wooden rolling pin. It went THUD everytime it smashed its monolithic monstrous (human) meat tenderizer, and it kneaded my flesh into doughy bits of surrender quite immediately. It’s big, it’s hard, it’s also shocking to get pummelled on the bumpiece with, so it does some kind of efficient job. It also shows that almost anything can be used in BDSM play, including the kitchen sink. Just remember the hard limits, boundaries and safe words, kids!

5. Leather Riding Crop ~ And we’ve saved the worst for last. {SORRY, MISTRESS DOMINATRIX, I meant BEST!!!} I have not yet experienced a BDSM toy that does more damage to the flesh and muscles than the leather riding crop. I know there are more out there (I see you, leather whip!!!) but I’ve not ventured into those dark, dark waters just yet. The leather riding crop is SEVERE enough to get thwhipped with. The lazer-sharp precision attack feels like the bee-sting from HELL, with its tiny area of focused contact. A little tiny flap of leather is at the end of the crop, and like one was a sexy stallion being ridden into the sexy sunset, the riding crop slaps the ass with such biting brutality, that you want to run like a Breeder’s Cup champ when its smashed ruthlessly on your ass cheeks. The crop is fast and furious fire on the flesh. It’s not for beginners use, in my books. But hey, if one plays gentle, I mean, rough but within the boundaries of acceptable pain, then hey… grab a leather riding crop and it’s hi-yo Silver, away!

Find a kinky playmate today at BDSMDate.com!

5 Suggestions for Beginner Submissives

This is a very subjective space since sub/dom relationships are so unique in and of themselves.

The ways one may reach decisions might best be determined by:

1) personal research in books, videos and websites

2) questions asked to experienced submissives, and

3) making attentive observations in BDSM clubs, scenes, etc.

That being said, here’s some things I wish someone told me:

1. Never think that you don’t have the power to STOP EVERYTHING at ANY POINT IN TIME. Do you want sex to happen or not? Do you REALLY want more pain? You can end any scene by saying the safeword. Hopefully you never have to.

2. TAKE IT SLOW. There’s no need to rush. You may have just discovered BDSM, but it’s been here for centuries, waiting for you, ha ha. No need to hastily hurt yourself.

3. Stop and take a breather when you need to. There are ways to communicate the need for a SLIGHT bit of mercy. You may be getting beat, but you are not a crash-test dummy. Express yourself accordingly.

4. Obey your thirst. And I ain’t talkin’ ’bout no Sprite. Take all you can take, and use your safewords for both “slow down, I’m near my limit” and “STOP, I AM AT MY LIMIT AND CAN TAKE NO MORE” when you feel you need to. Don’t hesitate for a fucking moment. You are in control of what is happening as a sub. Know that.

5. Most of the fear is in your mind, and in your misunderstanding and unawareness. And that causes you more pain than discovering the other side of pleasure!!! There is no way to know how much you might actually ENJOY being tied up, or spanked, or flogged, or tickle-tortured, or played with in some other extra-unique way,  until the day and the moment comes where you ACTUALLY explore the possibility of the adventure with your own two hands (tied behind your back, with your eyes blindfolded, ha ha!)

5 Suggestions for Beginner Dominants/Dominatrixes

1. They say a dom is a better dom if they’ve been a sub at some point. Heed this advice if you have a droplet of compassion in your BDSM-blackened soul. It’s perfectly okay if you don’t. Just be fully aware of it, ha.

2. Communicate. A lot. Walk your beginner through your scene with as much revelation as you can give them to make them feel safe… in your unsafe attention.

3. Take responsibility and control of EVERYTHING happening. Be fully aware of every thing done, everything about to be done next, and everything you might think about doing.

4. Be your animal self. The primal self you don’t get to be in your daily life. The animal you keep in a cage inside your feral soul. Bring it out of the cage. But keep it on a long, loose leash, and let it walk around. Maybe let it take a bite of the meal you caught it, ha ha.

5. Go far, but NEVER EVER go too far. How will you know? Let the scene manifest slowly and sensually. Giving space and time between strikes and blows and kisses and hugs allows ample opportunity for the escalation to not be excessive. Use lots of eye contact, hand caressing of body temperature, awareness of reddening, swelling and bruises being caused by scene play and complete visual observation of your sub will let you know if/when their body is liking your punishment, loving your punishment, losing themselves in your punishment, and maybe possibly losing their desire to stay a sub past a certain point. But if you are not excessively greedy and not overwhelmingly brutal, you will take what you need and give them what you tell them to take, and they will love it as much as you demand them to, dammit!

And that’s a first slap-on-the-ass introduction to some aspect of the world of bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism! I hope you had fun learning sweet pain!!

Don’t knock it ’til you try it.

Love,
Addi Stewart

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