Feel free to explore the endless relationship options out there in this world, but know that polyamory and some non-monogamous arrangements are not for everyone.
Read: ENM Relationships: 10 Examples of Ethical Non-Monogamy
Maybe you’re just not the type to be comfortable juggling multiple partnerships and navigating the swirling emotional depths of metamours and NRE.
Not everyone is capable of the advanced emotional processing required to live in monogamy, and god knows we are NOT taught anything even close to processing sexual progressive ideologies or untraditional emotional and sexual frameworks.
The thoughts and feelings that have to be constantly managed, negotiated, processed, eliminated, controlled, and analyzed in a variety of conversations just aren’t worth the price of other partners, for a number of folks out there. And that’s perfectly fair.
Nobody said polyamory was perfect, and it’s human nature for people to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
Read: Why Monogamy is Better than Polyamory (and Vice Versa)
There have been a FEW nights when I contemplated becoming monogamous, just to make life a bit easier. But then my gargantuan appetite for love and passion kicked me in the head, and I’m out dreaming towards my next poly adventure. It’s just not good for me to be monogamous, just like it might not be good for you to be polyamorous.
Different strokes doesn’t mean we still can’t go out for a drink and discuss relationship woes that happen to ALL human beings, no matter what our relationship framework.
Here are some reasons why it might be best to keep your relationships traditional and monogamous.
Read: 11 Types of Monogamy
6 Reasons Polyamory Might Be Bad for YOU
1. You’re Way Too Jealous
Jealousy, envy, comparison, feeling inadequate—if these are constant thoughts in your head and you aren’t having much success removing them, then please don’t become polyamorous.
Poly folks often talk about having to eliminate flareups of jealous insecurity from time to time, and that is normal. But if you feel jealous constantly and feel zero progress in dealing with its source, then don’t try poly at home. One person can never guarantee security, and that truth is only extrapolated in polyamory.
Read: 4 Jealousy Triggers & How to Deal
2. You Don’t Have Time for Multiple Partners
Some of us don’t have the extra time in life to make polyamory function. Work is real, and so are family, hobbies, health, vacations, community, concerts, and summer cottages. And even though you may be able to share these things with a poly partner, that doesn’t mean you have time to go and find MORE poly partners.
You need to understand the concrete reality of scheduling and scheduling conflicts that happen in polyamory if you are considering this relationship lifestyle. You may have Friday nights open, but if your favorite new crush is a bartender, you might not have much luck juggling them with other lovers.
Read: How Many Partners Do Polyamorists Have?
3. You Don’t Want to Share Your Lover’s Time
This isn’t the same as jealousy, but there is a venn diagram overlap.
This may factor in a BDSM scenario or a relationship circumstance that manifests some artificial and/or unexpected boundaries on the relationship potential, thus a partner in the situation may have logical requests to not want to share themselves and/or not want to share you.
It may be a social structure thing where they don’t want you fucking people they have fucked or have other history with, which is far different from unbridled jealousy.
Read: 4 Boundaries to Discuss with a New Poly Partner
4. Equal Relationships Are Too Hard to Achieve
You can’t find equilibrium in the perpetual “unbalance” that is polyamory.
There’s ALWAYS the possibility of a new partner coming into your life or your partner’s, and there’s always work to do in balancing your time with your partner’s, and it’s just too much for some people who like their relationships to move on cruise control.
No relationship is perfectly equal, it’s just a mutually agreed-upon imbalance of 60%-40% all the way to 95%-5% and beyond! As long as both parties agree and enjoy the exchange, it goes on.
Poly breakups happen when the imbalance gets too much for one person. But imagine spinning the plate of one relationship you’re trying to balance, then transforming into an human-octopus hybrid and having to balance MULTIPLE spinning plates of love! This simply might be too hard to achieve for some.
Read: Primary Partners vs. Egalitarian Poly Relationships
5. You Don’t Have the Emotional Energy
Polyamory can be draining. You can get dumped by two partners at once, or ghosted by a group of lovers for reasons you never learn. One person can be exasperating to deal with emotionally, so imagine dealing with FOUR people or more, at the worst of times?
Polyamory relationships require conversations, upon conversations, upon conversations. Some people don’t have the bandwidth to emotionally, energetically, or intimately engage with more than one person at a time, especially in this hi-tech, high-distraction age we live in. Some of us don’t even have the proper right amount of time for ourselves, much less three other lovers. It’s understandable.
Read: 4 Tips for Carving Out “Me Time” in Your Poly Life
6. It’s Against Your Religion or Personal Beliefs
This is a big one, and I’ve had a few breakups because I wasn’t the same religion or didn’t have the same belief system as my lover. It was heartbreaking because we got along in so many other ways.
Polyamory is truly a rebellious and minority-practiced relationship style in the world, even though it has permuted in a variety of ways through the ages.
Religion and politics have often gotten in the way of love, wild love, and true love over the ages, and it will continue to do so. Maybe with you! It’s not a personal judgment, just an observation.
We should all be happy and find the people that align with us best, and some of us just aren’t built for polyamory, just like some of us aren’t built for BDSM, sex clubs, or watching porn.
Do what makes you happy, and the person (not people) you like to be happy with! And don’t even look back at the City of Polyamory you are abandoning. It was never meant for you to live there. Go to Monogamyville, and find the one for you.
What relationship style is best for you? Please share!
Have fun!
Addi “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart
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