She Doesn’t Orgasm: What Does It Mean?

It’s sometimes hard to separate orgasm from sex when gauging a partner’s enjoyment. Here are stories from men wondering what it means when a woman doesn’t orgasm.

“For most of my poly years, about 20, I’m usually dating four or five women. And I have noticed that there is usually one among them who doesn’t orgasm no matter what I do. I took it personally when I was younger, but now I’m just curious—are some women simply not able to climax?”

“My lover and I have great chemistry. But she never comes during sex. I understand that few women come during intercourse, so I eat pussy like there’s no tomorrow and give her clitoris a ton of attention. But nothing. Recently I took some good advice and asked if she would show me how she masturbated so I could pleasure her the best way possible. She did, and it was hot. But she didn’t come while masturbating either. What do I do now?”

“My wife has never had an orgasm. My girlfriend comes easily. Most women I’ve dated took a fair amount of time to get there, but get there they did. We have a good relationship. We’ve been together for 12 years. She doesn’t come with other men, either, or even from masturbating. She has literally not had an orgasm, ever, or so she believes.”

“I’ve noticed with experience that hook up dates fake orgasm, that relationships going somewhere don’t fake it and they don’t come for real, and then after awhile, once they’re comfortable, women do orgasm with me. But one of my lovers says she has never experienced orgasm at all.”

“My new date is one of the horniest, kinkiest gals I’ve ever been with. But she never comes. Am I doing something wrong?”

The female orgasm is complex and unpredictable. Expecting women to orgasm from penis-in-vagina intercourse alone is futile—more women find it impossible, or it happens rarely. And some simply don’t climax with a partner unless they participate in the kind of stimulation they need—usually rubbing our clits a certain way. Others still do not come during partner sex, but have no problem masturbating to orgasm. Finally, many women don’t come at all and never have. It’s impossible to say exactly, but estimates are around ten percent or more!

Woman and Orgasm

Is she “frigid”?

There was a time in the not too distant past when women who were not easily aroused or able to orgasm were called frigid. Women who came easily or wanted lots of sex were called nymphomaniacs. Women’s sexuality has been too often compared to or measured in ways applicable to men’s sexuality. So she was either Frosty the No Man, or a slut begging for it.

So no, she is not frigid.

Read: 6 Things to Know about the Female Orgasm

Is she asexual?

Asexuality, or ace folks, experience very little or no sexual attraction or desire.

Desire, arousal, and orgasm are not the same thing. Libido and orgasm are two separate parts of sexuality that can get confused. Just because a woman does not have an orgasm doesn’t mean she has low libido. She might be ultra horny and want sex a lot, but it doesn’t play out in the end with a climax.

She might be very aroused and still not come.

Read: 4 Stages of Arousal

Some women can orgasm with very little desire. In fact it isn’t that unusual—often we masturbate to come when we feel a bit of stress, menstrual pain, or want to relax. I’m not “horny” when this happens, but know the tension will subside if I jerk off. It’s very mechanical, but pleasurable, more like stretching than getting really aroused.

As an aside, many asexual people have zero problem with orgasm. They may even enjoy masturbation for the reasons above, or experience sexual arousal but not attraction. So they may masturbate and have lots of orgasms, but not want to share that experience with partners.

If she’s enjoying sex with you, and she has other lovers, too, she is not asexual.

Reasons She Doesn’t Orgasm

Psychological Trauma

The most commonly cited reason is that it is psychological. She has had sexual trauma, or she isn’t fully evolved sexually. These are too close to “frigid” for comfort. For sure the brain and soul can have a big impact on sexuality, yes. A woman with an eating disorder, or addiction, who you know was violated or has deep body issues, and she also can’t come—it’s possible then that this is the reason. But a woman who chooses to have sex with you and it’s great is not likely to be this woman.

Read: 7 Ways Your Mental Health Can Get In the Way of Your Orgasm

Physical Trauma

Millions of women around the world have been subjected to cruel practices limiting their sexual pleasure. It’s more common to see victims of female genital mutilation or “cutting” as the world integrates. While there is lots of advocacy towards eliminating this, unfortunately there are many survivors. Some women who were cut as children can climax but most never have—that was the whole point. But if you were with this woman, you would know because her vulva would look different and if you were in a relationship, she would tell you.

Arousal Time Is too Short

One of the best solutions to a woman not having an orgasm is more time.

Many women are unaware of how much time they need. They may “give up” when masturbating after ten or fifteen minutes, or maybe they have tried longer.

But with so many women reporting that they enjoy orgasm—but it takes them 30 minutes, an hour, or longer—there is reason to believe that some who “can’t” may be able to climax if they take more time.

It can be difficult to ask a partner to lick your pussy for two hours, so make yourself available for this kind of service if she is willing!

Read: Advanced Pussy Licking Tips

I encourage women to try masturbating for a LONG time once a week—see it as a relaxing practice if you have never had an orgasm. You might surprise yourself one of these days!

You can also buy her a vibrator is she’s never used one. A vibrator can awaken nerve endings that are deeper or less responsive. If she’s tried a vibrator, try a stronger one.

Her Body Is Not Capable of Orgasm

It’s difficult to know if some women simply “can’t” and will never be able to, because so many women who could not orgasm no matter what, one day orgasm! Women in middle age or older have suddenly experienced orgasm after decades of trying.

It is reasonable to conclude that difficulties could be due to anatomy, nerve endings, hormones, and other physical reasons. And believing this can take the pressure off of women expected to perform and allow them to enjoy sex without being expected to get there.

Anything can happen, so don’t lose hope… just enjoy the getting there!

Is sex less enjoyable if there isn’t an orgasm? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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