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Inappropriate Behaviour at Polyamory Gatherings

Bad Date

TO THE VARIOUS MEN OF POLYAMORY

Please Please: Don’t Be Creepy or Greedy or Scheming!

I try to assume everyone has the best intentions. I try to believe that everyone is speaking from their heart and soul. I try to hope that all parties involved in this particular lifestyle have gotten into it because they realize their deeper uniqueness requires a different relationship system than dating/monogamy offers…

But sometimes, there are creepy assholes that sneak into Club Polyamory, and try to wreak havoc upon everyone due to their competitive, greedy nature and their ultimately insincere actions and words. To be able to catch a dastardly bastard in the act of deception is sometimes difficult, sometimes easy, but it’s ALWAYS strenuous to discern what response there should be.

This is polyamory. It’s much more infinite in its relationship potential complexity.

If a woman is INTO BDSM/daddy-daughter play/cuckolding-cuckqueaning/humiliation/etc., then maybe she WANTS to be treated like shit, or to be punished, or to be manipulated and edged around and exploited to the point of pleasure and caring pain.

But you have to have some communication-heavy conversations to know that kind of information!

How do you know what kind of pressure or approach or intensity you should initiate with someone if you don’t listen to them when you meet them?

I’m sorry, this may be seeming a bit less focused than my usual articles, but I had an experience I’d like to speak on.

I was sharing space and time with a new lovely angel in a public space, where a variety of polyamorous people were enjoying each other’s naked company… and some of us were obviously more compatible and connected to each other than others were. That was fine. There were men and women, older ones, younger ones, and even a pregnant woman, all just relaxing together, in a “cuddle puddle” of sorts, just talking and enjoying each other’s energy… and letting the natural connections that felt appropriate just manifest. Nobody was taking too much, and nobody receiving too little… it was just right.

Until ONE GUY decided to get extra fucking greedy, and just wanted to touch more than he seemed to be invited to touch.

Polyamorous people are often a bit more flexible and generous with their boundaries (depending on where they are in their personal intimacy space) and this kindness can certainly be exploited by creepy fucking assholes who like to prey on the kindness and innocence of others’ open hearts.

I was relaxing with a lovely lady I just met, who was new to the scene and the polyamory, and was JUST getting acquainted to a lifestyle where over 10 nude people are all chilling out together, chatting about politics and religion and sports and other such news… but then this guy decided to completely override ALL OTHER connections, and try to get physical with the woman I was comfortably resting with, even though there wasn’t much space or invitation for him to come be a part of the festivities. He just forced his way into the space and started taking what he wanted without seeing if anyone else was interested in giving it to him. And his bold-faced greed and dominant personality obviously began to take precedence over the woman’s own neutral position, as accomodating another person’s needs is the unspoken joy of polyamorous goodness. I find the most healthy polyamorous people will absorb the bullshit of the more dysfunctional poly folks, just to smooth out the situation and get to a more balanced moment.

It’s hard to confront some people sometimes and say “hey, you’re crossing into a boundary you shouldn’t be in” when everyone is essentially trying to share more of themselves than monogamy allows… but this was just one of those creepy, murky, blurry situations where one person isn’t on the same wavelength as others, and is trying to satisfy himself before trying to satisfy others in any way, either emotionally, physically as a friend or sexually. And I just couldn’t find the words to make him realize he was taking much more than he was giving, and that he was being creepy, rude and fucking obnoxious to me, as well as not seeming to care about the woman who was between us both, and who he was just trying to manhandle in a greedy way.

I’m not a selfish man by any means, but I’m ALSO NOT the type of guy to try and cuddle with a woman who hasn’t invited me into her arms… WHEN ANOTHER MAN IS ALREADY THERE CUDDLING WITH HER!! In polyamory, there are moments when this CAN happen, and three people are all in each other’s personal space, sharing hearts and souls and minds and everything…

But it shouldn’t be TAKEN. It should be respectfully REQUESTED.

And this guy just TOOK a spot close to her body, and assumed he could keep taking from everyone… it was nauseating, grotesque, creepy and infuriating.

She seemed uncomfortable and unsure, but there were other people around to help control the situation from getting too out of control, so it didn’t escalate into anything damaging. But it just didn’t feel good!!!

Come the end of the night, the guy was found being a fourth wheel to another cuddling threesome that was happening in another room, not surprisingly… and his “interest” in the woman that I was deeply desiring to know intimately and emotionally had evaporated almost instantly, thus confirming his predatorial nature and exploitive intentions, in my eyes.

I maintained the integrity of my intentions to emotionally connect and enjoyed a nice date at my house with the lovely lady a few days later… WITHOUT the presence of that creepy S.O.B.! *Yay!*

Polyamory can offer a plethora of beautiful experiences and moments for people… but PLEASE don’t be a greedy, creepy asshole about it.

In Love,
Addi Stewart

Tell us what you think! 2 Comments

  1. Dark Orion

    August 22, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Creepy is a very judgemental and hurtful word. I have read your articles for months but until now I had not seen you judge, attempt to socially ostracize, and then to publicly write about another person that you may not have ever fully known. Did you stop to consider that he was expressing his need for physical intimacy and that he respected your brush-off (which may have seemed controlling/jealous) to him? Did you take a moment to see his attempt to join another pair of cuddling as a desire to feel included and not like an intruding strange?

    I do not mean to come off harshly, but I have been ostracized from a whole social group before after a single woman decided it was “creepy” for me to pursue casual cuddles with anyone more than 2 years younger or older than me. I am only imploring you to try and think about the man who made you uncomfortable. Was he really so bad? Did you build up an overly harsh negative picture of him in your mind because he interfered in your intimate moment? Do you feel that you are the Gatekeeper who decided what is creepy and what is not in other people’s poly encounters? Would you even want that potentially emotionally troublesome position?

    • Addi Stewart

      Addi Stewart

      August 25, 2014 at 1:10 pm

      First, thank you for your support and your reply. Now, I don’t use the word “creepy” lightly, and you probably noticed it’s the first time I’ve ever used that word in my articles. I said: “please don’t be creepy, greedy or scheming”, which I think is a fair and non-judgemental request. That being said: some guys ARE guilty of that behaviour, and I witnessed it happen on me, while I was sharing an intimate moment with another woman. He did not ask, he took from both of us. It was SO creepy.
      I hear you, though, and respect your aversion to the word. I don’t judge people, but I do judge behaviour. In regards to your case, it sounds like that group of people unfairly judged and ostracized you from their social circle. But if those are their rules, it sounds like an extremely ageist standard that is bound to limit the people allowed in their intimate circle. I hate to say it, but if that was her only reason for call you “creepy” and have you rejected, maybe you’re better off without “friends” like that. Healthy polyamory demands some pretty high and hardcore mature choices. Maybe you’ll be better off with women and friends who aren’t age-prejudiced so harshly. I couldn’t hang with your friends either: I’m currently enjoying lovers in their early 20s AND their late 50s!! Stay true to your heart, man 🙂 Addi Stewart

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