Sharing fantasies with our poly partners can be scary, exciting, awkward, or all of the above. Check out reader Aiden’s reaction to his wife sharing her daddy daughter incest fantasy, and the advice Jamie gives him.
I thought I knew my wife inside out after twelve years together. We have a great sex life and polyamory really works for us because our extracurricular activities take some of the pressure off at home when things get routine. We get fired up all over again when one of us dates someone else, and it also frees up some time and personal space when the other one is at someone else’s place.
We are moderately kinky I would say, nothing crazy but we are open-minded and enjoy a lot of variety, mild BDSM stuff, watching strippers together, sex toys, that kind of thing.
I made the mistake in a heated moment recently of asking Carol if she had any fantasies that she hadn’t yet told me about. And she told me she had recurring fantasies—about making love with her FATHER. Then she asked if I would be open to role-playing something like this!?!
I can’t stop thinking about it, and not in the way that makes my dick hard.
Now I wonder about the times that she was dating a significantly older guy. If this was about her daddy daughter incest fantasy.
Her dad is not the best-looking dude I’ve ever seen, in case that matters. He is a regular older guy. We’re in our forties, so he must be nearing 70.
I asked Carol if she had been abused, and she told me to grow up.
I have no idea what’s going on here, or how I was supposed to respond to that. I love Carol and want to accommodate her as a whole and complex human being, but this wigs me out.
Can you help explain her incest fantasy to me? How on earth can I compete with her father? – Aiden
Thanks for your honest letter. There are some taboos sexually speaking that even the kinkiest communities have a hard time accepting. I’m an “anything goes” kind of gal, up to a point however! And I suspect most people are like me—they have no-go zones. Incest is possibly the top category that creeps people out, up there with violent or death fantasies and excrement.
But here’s the thing: daddy daughter incest fantasies are NOT violent and they are not non-consensual. A fantasy is not real life, and it is constructed in exactly the way the fantasizer wants it.
For what it’s worth, it is also incredibly common! Our first physical and emotionally intimate relationships are with our family. Psychologists say that dreams about sex with our family members are very common—both enjoyable dreams and the nightmare variety.
The Taboo of Incest
The taboo against incest and daddy daughter incest fantasies is nearly universal. The definition of who is included changes in one culture to the next, but very few cultures have enthusiastically accepted incest. Even where cousin marriage is common, for example, a sister and brother or mother and son are not acceptable.
Why do we recoil at the idea? For one thing, incest is often associated with abuse. You asked straight up if your wife was hurt. We assume incest starts with non-consensual, age-inappropriate sex. Thing is, that’s just the incest we hear about—in cinema, news stories, and books about trauma. Few people will volunteer their consensual flings and relationships, and even a wife’s fantasy takes twelve years to share with a husband, because it is not considered acceptable.
Taboos also protect families from children with birth defects or disabilities. It is a simple biological fact that closely related parents produce weaker children, often with disfiguring conditions. For reasons of health, we usually seek out a much different gene pool. This is unkindly referred to as “inbreeding.”
But an incest fantasy does not a baby make—and even if consenting adults choose to act out their attraction inside the family, today we have birth control and access to abortion in many parts of the world.
The close association with unhealthy offspring and abusive family situations is why we have such strong taboos. But what about when those are not issues, such as in fantasy alone, or consenting adults?
How common is consensual incest in real life?
The strength of the taboos means it is very difficult to gauge how common consenting incest is. When your friends or partner will respond with disgust to a fantasy, who would divulge that they have actually made love with a sister or uncle or cousin?
While we don’t have exact figures available, it is much higher than we think. Many studies estimate between 10 and 40% of us have had some kind of consensual sexual contact with a family member! Nearly everyone has fantasized about it at one time or another.
What Is Consanguinamory?
Those tired of hiding the love that dare not speak its name have named their attraction. Incest has an abusive association to it, so they call it consanguinamory. They advocate for legal rights to love whom they choose, and for changing social views that discriminate against consenting adults.
When Your Lover Shares Her Daddy Daughter Incest Fantasy
My advice for how to proceed here is to give some serious consideration to the subject on your own, and then communicate very openly with Carol.
Give yourself time to come to terms with and get over your disgust, and work through it. You have already pinpointed two reasons for your response—you can’t see the attraction from an aesthetic perspective—her dad is not hot! More importantly, you asked if she had been abused. Her response was defensive, but she was feeling vulnerable after the big reveal. You can work out your negative feelings and come to take it in stride as incidental.
Going deeper with Carol is also important. How important is it for her to play her fantasy out with you in role play? Is it too much to ask? Can you become aroused by participating, and let that help you get over the initial reaction? Is her fantasy occasional, or all consuming? Can you cope with it if it’s one of many, something she wants to play out now, but later wants a spanking instead?
Read: 8 Benefits of Role Play
What about your most taboo fantasies? Can you share them with her to bond closer instead of drifting apart?
What’s important here is that neither of you are wrong. We can’t help our strange sexual fantasies, and your reaction is also perfectly normal. We don’t have to accept everything, but at the same time, this is the same woman you’ve loved forever and does it really change that? I predict that time will soften the intensity of this weird moment and that you will draw closer together.
Do you have any experience with daddy daughter incest fantasies, your own or a lover’s?