Reigniting the Flame with a Former Lover

Poly, to me, always leaves the door open for the possibility for more love to happen again in the future.

Unless the relationship is absolutely irreconcilable or impossible (distance, family opposition, mental/physical health issues, etc.) then I always keep my heart open to my past lovers to have fun again in the future, if we both so please!

I think this is fair and reasonable in every way: if two polyamorous people want to stop having sex for a while, then want to start having sex again a year later, why shouldn’t they be able to? Of course they should be able to, and thank goodness I’m one of the poly people who HAVE done exactly that, more than once!

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But aye, captains! Here’s the rub to polish your diamond nugget: what happens when you suddenly discover that someone you always had emotions for is in a relationship with someone you never expected them to be with?

Someone that has X particular meaning in your life, whether positively or negatively, or some other unexplainable and undefinable emotion, and you are greeted with the discovery that they are being intimate with someone you have been with, and now it instantly alters the dynamic between everyone, whether spoken or unspoken? Aye-yi-yi, mateys!

I’m not gonna say I have all the answers, but the first answer is obviously, automatically: LOVE. Understanding, support and maturity. If you are still longing for the person in some manner that you haven’t acted upon just as yet, if you wonder where you stand with them now that you two have a mutual friend, or if you are honestly heartbroken about it all… just being real about it is the very best possibility you could do. The growing pains will be worth it to lose the external control and gain your self-control back again. Maybe you won’t be with them for a while longer… maybe you will. Who cares and why do they care so much? Let things unfold organically and honestly.

The other answer is something that the world needs a lot more of, always: COMPERSION. Until people use this word as much as they use the word jealousy, then we are at an imbalance as far as energy dispersal is concerned. People are always coveting and seeking to take what others have or have worked for, instead of working for it, and having pride and joy in their own hard-earned, self-made, personally crafted connections and relationships to the right heads and hearts.

And when the time is right, it might be a good thing for you all to get together and speak about whatever is necessary and curious to speak. It should be interesting if it does happen!

Maybe you don’t all speak in one room together, though. There is no one right way. I just say honesty is the best policy. Squash jealousy with your foot, and keep on steppin’ towards your own personal paradise. Be happy for your friends, and be happy for yourself too. Win-win-win. As long as the relationships aren’t lost, it’s all to the good news.

Damn, Daniel!

Love & surprise,
Addi Stewart

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