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Using Polyamory to Replace Failed Monogamy

Couple on Date in Bar

In a post-blissful state of bed rolling and conversation with a partner, love was shared and problems were confessed. Tears fell, walls crumbled. Truth was found anew. We continued seeing each other, and my heart was saved from a fate worse than fear itself.

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In the midst of these revelations, she said something important: “It was brought to my attention that your particular personal issues and my particular sensitivity to your issues may not be reconcilable, no matter how much pain it may cause, even unintentionally. But that’s why we have polyamory.”

That was very profound to me, and it made me step back and reflect deep upon my behavior and my relationships. Is that why I’m polyamorous? Because nobody fits perfectly in my life. Because I can’t be with someone for long periods of time, or can’t commit to one person for anything resembling people’s typical idea of a stable relationship. Hmmm…

No, I don’t feel that way in my heart. I feel the other, of many, possibilities: Love is abundant, and I don’t feel right controlling and funneling my energy towards one woman only, as if my connections to all the other ones aren’t important or valuable or sacred, whether they are sexual or not… and whether they are perfect or not. I should say pleasant or productive, possibly.

My polyamory isn’t a secondary choice because other things weren’t working for me. Elvis knows there’s lots of people who choose to get married because they think it will solve some problems they have. Sadly, statistics seem to inform otherwise, often. But, still, we try.

My poly not being easily defined or predicted or explained is what makes it LOVELY. I had someone recently imply that my lovers weren’t people who I care about as deeply as a wifey, and I ADAMANTLY educated him: “I have no wifey, and ALL my lovers have wifey-level access to ALL my heart and life and information. I don’t separate that feeling.”

Still, this is the kind of re-education that has to be done. Oh, the things people think about poly… sigh.

XOXO,
Addi Stewart

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