Racism in Polyamory

It sucks. It’s real. It’s impossible to completely escape. Racism.

I’ve been in some pretty advanced circles of emotion and pornography, and shared some intriguing amounts of amazing intellectual and emotional energy with some very unique creatures. They have been of the non-monogamous nature, where we sometimes cross the boundary between business partner, friend, lover, confidante, and then some. And sometimes, there’s a disconnect because our value systems are so different, and the vibrations of energy just are not naturally aligned, nor ever will be. There are times when I feel this, and I know that some polyamorous or pornographic people in my life are not my type, and that I won’t be connecting with them. And I’m perfectly fine with that, at all times it manifests. It shows me what I’m naturally attracted to, and tells me that discernment is a universal protective mechanism, as one’s chances of being disappointed by the limitations of reality as compared to the unlimited dimensions of fantasy are reduced by the fact of finite time and space. You can’t have sex with everyone in the world, and there’s no point in even dreaming about it, because not everyone would be equally awesome. This is a truth that should be satisfying for the anxious and desperate man and woman.

I say all that to say: beyond this curtailing of coupling, there are some women and men who you will NOT be able to access…  because they are racist. You could be the nicest, kindest, most intellectually intriguing, emotionally open-hearted patron saint of passionate beauty and hardcore sacrifice to a woman… but if she is a silent, card-carrying, conservative racist, you have no hope.

I know a woman who has been in my network of sexual individuals for over three years now. And even though there was ONE moment of interaction between myself and her that involved me kissing her and embracing her (for a rare promotional event), I have NEVER ONCE seen this woman touch, hug, or embrace a person of color in all of the three years I’ve known her. I haven’t honestly seen her make physical contact with anyone who wasn’t her own culture and complexion for so long. When she hugged me after like, a year, it was pretty distant. It took nearly a dozen attempts of communication to make a connection with her in the first place! But honestly, I believe that any racist person can eventually see past their shortcomings and realize that we are all one species of human being with no scienfically measurable differences in our essences. I have had the unfortunate experience that there are all kinds of levels that a person can be evolved and advanced on, but when it comes down to it, you can still be dealing with a classic old-school racist girl or guy who still perpetuates poor thought values like “I really don’t like those kind of people” or “I’d never sleep with someone from there,” if not worse! And let me only dedicate one big-ass sentence to the OBVIOUSLY still-prevalent, uber-monolith of decrepit horror that is the heterosexual, patriarchal, capitalist, white male culture of universal exploitation that has mutated a thousand different ways to become the foundation of racism, sexism, and classism that ruins life for billions of good people around the world! But, I digress.

I’ve felt progress with this girl who I feel is racist. That’s one good thing. Another good thing is, I think she is SO BEAUTIFUL, a part of my heart automatically forgives her racism, but I never disrespect myself for her attention. I actually am cool with maybe never being more than vague acquaintances with her, even though we have many mutual polyamorous friends and business partners.

Now, I’ll end off by saying we all have tendencies and preferences. I won’t deny those and I won’t say they are wrong to feel. No! But to NEVER consider entire types of people for no reason other than their skin color is racism, and it has no place in true poly.

Addi Stewart

Toxic People in the Polyamory Community

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