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How We Define Polyamory Differently

Woman Breaks Up with Man

There are levels to polyamory. The best of the best, and the worst of the worst we have to endure and experience in ALL types of relationships, not just polyamory. I certainly have my experiences that are mostly based in multiple-lover perspectives and open-relationship mentalities, as I really can’t do the other way that the majority of people do, only focused on one person.

I wish monogamous folks luck and joy and inner peace. I don’t think it’s natural, but there are many parts of life that are hypocritical at worst or complex and contradictory at best. Sometimes they work out very well for a time, but sometimes it really doesn’t work out—there is wreckage, drama, and chaos that unfolds between two or more parties. I don’t know what it’s like to be that person too much. I really don’t!

I know what it’s like to be the person who talks through the complexities and contradictions of the connecting human body. Such as this one particular lover of mine—wow!

We’ve been intimate over the last year and a half. (I did take a three-month break from her when I really needed to take a break from her for a heavy, hurtful and hard reason to deal with.) I love her and didn’t want to totally separate, so we didn’t. But we DID have LOTS of trouble trying to agree on how to negotiate my poly practices and feelings and philosophy with her personal version of multiple partners and non-monogamy.

She doesn’t use the word “polyamory,” but she has more than one lover. I THOUGHT this would allow us to work things out in the beginning, but as time went on there became some weird and hard to describe differences between us—real friction and arguments came to life.

I needed to take a big break from her when I was shouting louder than I ever did, and when we were just not getting along at all. But we ALWAYS were having sex, because it was so passionate and satisfying. After the three-month break that I needed to take (for personal healing from a shocking incident around the holidays), I clearly and openly expressed that I wasn’t going to be intimate until we talked about our issues and expressed our needs to find a balance between us. We NEVER did.

The sex was so damn good, and the love was so damn strong that we didn’t break up. We took breaks from certain things, we made boundaries with new friends, and we stopped sharing certain parts of our personal lives. There was definitely enough foundation and friendship and passion for us to not give up on everything, even though the MOST IMPORTANT part of our connection was not connecting.

We did not, and still don’t see eye to eye on how to connect our poly and non-monogamous perspectives, but we know we love each other and still want to make love to each other, which we did four times last weekend!

Sometimes, the love is good and the connection between bodies feels nice, but you still might have other issues to work out regarding the differences of what’s in your minds. I communicated something very close to that before my lover and I had passionate and vital-to-the-relationship sex.

I don’t know if we will ever be on the same level mentally. But if the love is real enough and the need is deep enough, I think it’s worth cherishing.

Do you have a similar story to share? Please leave a comment!

Love,
Addi Stewart

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