Poly Relationships

New Polyamory Relationship: Making it Work

Three Canaries

With most relationships, once you’ve gone past a few dates and realize that you both want something more, it’s important to talk about what that something more will look like. This is especially true in polyamory relationships. If you find that special someone through online poly dating sites then some of the kinks have probably already been worked out, but if you’re just meeting people through friends or in bars, then you may not have brought up your poly lifestyle in fears of scaring others off. I’m going to discuss a few tips that will help to get your new poly relationship off to a positive start.

Defining Polyamory
Many people still don’t know what polyamory means or they don’t understand the various incarnations that can be considered poly. This can also be a problem for two experienced polys wanting different things. One partner may want to have as many partners as they want while the other may only be interested in a triad. Talk talk talk. Some new partners go as far as signing contracts where veto rules may apply.

Too Many Lovers
Yes, too many partners is possible according to many polys. This can turn your life into relationship caos fast, especially if you’re not taking the time to really get to know a person and establish a deeper emotional connection. Are you sure what you’re engaging in is in fact polyamory or is it just a sexual free-for-all (nothing wrong with that, as long as you recognize it for what it is, and explain it as such to others). Maybe you’re on a poly break.

Honesty
Keeping partners a secret from one another is not genuine poly practice; you may just be using polyamory as way of explaining behaviour that you know at least one partner would be upset about. Hiding your poly life from a new partner until you have to explain it is wrong and ultimately will cause a lot of hurt. I see this happen more so with people new to polyamory, who are still finding their way and learning how to discuss their chosen lifestyle. Yes, some potential partners will say no thanks, but do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t respect your way of living and loving?

Integrating Partners
This can take on many different looks and the more partners you choose to engage with, well, time management skills do come in handy. Not all your partners need to be romantically, sexually, or even friendly as long as there is a respect for each others’ relationships. When a current partner asks about a new person that you’ve met, answer honestly and sincerely about your thought, feelings, and practices with this new person.

Transition from Monogamy
This new poly relationship maybe  growing from an unhappy marriage or long-term relationship that already exists. Maybe one of you had an “affair” and this was a catalyst for redefining what your union looks like as a way of not ending things all together. Start with educating yourselves about polyamory and move forward slowing with the tips mentioned above in mind. Although difficult, this transition can work as long as there is a constant communication of both person’s feelings.

What other tips can you offer for new poly relationship success?

Tell us what you think! 1 Comment

  1. LindaNChris

    May 12, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    I am a male with a wife of 25+ years. I have had gf’s in a V type and have found it to be like walking into a cold lake, it gets easier to get to the last point but the next step in the cold water is the most difficult. Each step is cautious by not going too fast or too slow, being constant without being an emotional vampire. It is particularly difficult if you manage to find one that would be a good match in so many ways, but your primary partner feels a subtle push for your second to leave is her unwritten veto right. Often the deep talks with all three are a little overwhelming for the new partner. I would like to get more information about these merging relationship dynamics if possible.

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