Don’t Use Polyamory as an Excuse

Warning: just because you’re poly doesn’t mean you’re evolved. This applies to me too!

There is this dangerous assumption that can permeate the polyamorous realm, and that is one of believing one’s polyamorous proclivities will instantly remove them from perpetuating any or all of the negative behavioural traits that a human can unknowingly or knowingly be guilty of participating in. Polyamory is a place where all kinds of relationship magic can happen, and connections upon connections can manifest in ways that are both intended and imagined, as well as surprisingly explode and evolve out of the unknown and the unseen, depending on where and who you are with.

But although it’s true that poly can do good things that monogamy can’t do, it’s equally true that poly can still do all the bad things that monogamy can do. It is still possible to be polyamorous and be racist, be polyamorous and be sexist, poly and ageist, ableist, transphobic, homophobic and misogynistic to multiple partners, instead of just one. Even though it takes a bigger heart to juggle the multiple relationships of polyamory, it’s also a fact that it takes an extra amount of energy and responsibility to properly and honestly pay the requisite attention to each of these relationships simultaneously to make sure they are all thriving and surviving the good times and the bad times. It’s not impossible at all, but it’s also not for everybody.

And that’s equally true of racism, it’s not impossible to let go of, but it’s not something everyone has done yet. And this does not excuse the poly community whatsoever. In certain realms of non-traditional human relations, there are still high numbers of homogenous cultural and sexual unions, with people of similar or the same racial, economic and social class choosing to only conduct sexual relations with others of the very-similar categorical identity, whether consciously or unconsciously. If someone just happens to have a certain preference for certain attributes, that’s fine. And to be attracted to another person’s differing body type doesn’t have to be an exercise in exotification and objectification in an exploitative way. But at the same time, the singular selection of a certain cultural or racial or social characeristic is frowned upon when it reaches the point of revulsion, repelling and misunderstading of most other cultures and races (as well as ages, financial classes, social status, and other variables), and unwillingness to interact physically with anyone but an extremely small and selective percentage of the population. Polyamory is a part of the same society that is founded by heteronormative patriarchal capitalist madness, so of course there will be elements of the unfortunates of such systems mixed in with the systems that are attempting to build bridges beyond the basic foundation, but have not completely created another level… yet.

So, check yourself for your own prejudices from time to time. Have you tried being with someone from another different dimension in life? Have you always been with the same type of partner? Have you ever explored a love story that is TOTALLY new and exciting in ways that you can’t even fully categorize?

Try it, you’ll like it. Then you’ll love it!

Addi Stewart

Find someone outside your circle now at!

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