Tips & Advice

Signs You’re Too Selfish for Polyamory

Jealous Date

Can a person be too selfish for the needs of polyamorous relationships?

We are all familiar with the basic traits one must possess to be happy and successful in poly life. These are good communication, dedication to the principles of honesty and transparency, compassion, and above all else, flexibility. (I mean, you’ve got to accommodate others at least some of the time!)

So, what about those of us who struggle to give up control, who are aggressively focused on our own needs?

Here are four signs that you’re just too darn selfish or self-centered to enjoy a peaceful poly existence.

Read: Reasons Polyamory Might Not Be for You

Signs You Are Too Self-Centered for Polyamory

1. You Intrude on Intimate Moments

Whether it’s a private conversation, a snuggle on the couch, or an extra-special date night between your partner and metamour, you make consistent efforts to squeeze yourself in there.

You flounce into the room and turn on the TV just as they’re about to make out. You knock on their bedroom door to remind your partner it’s his turn to take out the trash. Maybe you even eavesdrop on their fights, then offer unsolicited advice—bonus points if you draw on your shared love’s flaws for inspiration.

Read: How to Be a Good Poly Metamour

2. You Make Plans that Complicate Everyone Else’s

Shared poly calendars serve some very practical and important purposes—they ensure fairness, organize time, and keep everyone in the loop. You, however, view them as an obstacle to getting what you want and consider it a win when you can hack the system.

Your partner and metamour are taking the car out of town next Saturday. They planned their trip weeks ago, but you decide last minute that you want to take in the fall foliage up north. No problem! You insist they drop you at the bus station along way, then pick you up at 6am the next day. No sleeping in for those two!

Read: Tips for Making All Your Partners Feel Special

3. You One-Up Your Metamour when They Share Something Important

Your metamour lost her job? Well, boohoo. She has money in the bank and no dependents. YOU spent 3 years unemployed, with 2 kids to feed. She and your shared partner have an opportunity to see a band they love? Whatever. Just remind her that you managed to snag backstage passes to Nirvana on what was to be their final tour.

You might not consciously strive to be competitive, or to burst anyone’s bubble, but you do so consistently and with great precision.

Read: 4 Ways to Offer Support in Poly Relationships

4. You Always Need to Have the Last Word

Be it long-term planning or short-term decisions, like where to go for your monthly poly check-in brunch, you must have the final say. Someone in your polycule has something new to add to conversation? Not on your watch! You might hear them out, but everyone knows you’re not listening.

It’s not that you want to be the one in charge per se, but the thought of leaving things up in the air or relying on others to make decisions terrifies the shit out of you. Besides, you know what’s best for everyone, don’t you?

Read: Apologies and Forgiveness in Poly Relationships

Do you have a pushy, selfish poly metamour? Are you guilty of any of these offences?

Tell us what you think!

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