Life and love are anything but simple when you’re poly. Just when you think you’ve got it all worked out, one of your partners breaks up with someone, wants to add an additional partner to the mix, or asks you to go Volcano Boarding. “I know you’re afraid of heights and hate getting dirty, but it’ll be fun! I promise!”
4 Lessons Polyamory Has Taught Me… so Far!
1. Love Is Incomparable
When I first entered into poly life, I looked for proof that my partner loved me as much as his wife of many years. I soon grew to understand that no two loves are alike and therefore can’t be measured against one another.
Sure, it’s possible to classify love by category—romantic love vs platonic love vs the love you feel for a child or pet—but within each category, there’s no way to judge which connection is more important. One thing that polyamory shows me time and time again, is that there’s room for them all.
2. People Pleasing Is a Waste of Time
In the early days, I tried hard to keep everyone happy. It took quite a while for me to realize that poly relationships work best when everyone advocates for themselves. Yes, there are times when you will give yourself over to someone else’s needs, but these times should be prefaced with the understanding that compromise goes both ways, and that you have the right to say no.
People pleasing is such an epidemic, not only in poly circles, but in the world at large. It’s time for us to claim our power and honor our true desires!
3. Libidos Aren’t Limitless
Thankfully, I already kind of knew this going in. Had I no related life experience, and relied solely on pop culture depictions of non-monogamy, I would have expected to fuck all day, every day.
New relationship energy is real, and is perhaps experienced more frequently within the poly dynamic, but it still dies out eventually. The feverish fuckfests we all know and love are certainly a part of poly life, but they are not the whole of it. My partners and I have come to enjoy deeper, more nuanced relationships as a result of time spent outside the bedroom, and I’m grateful for that.
4. Control Is a 4-Letter Word
I’m someone who tries to predict the future—I just feel better knowing what to expect. Polyamory has taught me to relax a bit more, and that needing to be in control all the time isn’t healthy for my relationships.
Over time, I’ve allowed myself to trust more, and go with the flow. It’s not always easy, but when you’re dealing with multiple schedules, and the endless complexities of poly life, you get better at it. I’ve even seen improvements in other areas of my life that had repeatedly felt the strain of my controlling ways.
What lessons has polyamory taught you? Share your wisdom in the comments!