It’s a massive mystery to some people, and will remain so for most if not all of their lives. Not everyone is built to be polyamorous, nor is everyone taught to be polyamorous. So there’s always some people asking or wondering about what it’s like, what it takes, and what it is to identify as polyamorous.
I treat every poly relationship different because the chemistry and the connection and the intention is different with every single person, but I do like the saying: “The game don’t change, only the players.”
Polyamory has a certain framework, and it doesn’t shift too much after a certain foundation has been established. All I want is love, truth, and honesty. It’s simple. So what kind of questions help cultivate that kind of poly environment?
5 Questions about the Poly Life
1. How Do You Fight Jealousy?
That’s a big one for some people, and that’s a non-issue for others. I have a simple solution for ME that works EVERYTIME in the realm of jealousy and envy, but if you don’t have the mental space or capacity to think in certain ways about people and relationships, it will NOT be as easy for you. For me, I do NOT own any of my partners. I only own the TIME we share together and the memories we make together, and that’s it.
I can not and will not feel like I own them when they are not with me. I just have to trust and hope they are being safe with whoever else they are with. I can also be with other people, so jealousy is a two-way street that we BOTH should not travel down.
Jealousy has various origins, and as long as I communicate my heart to my partner and get as much intimacy as time and space allows, then that will help extinguish the possibility of jealousy, because we are sharing all that we can.
2. How often do you try to see your partner(s)?
This is a variable that depends on many things: stage of life, work schedule, personal free time, desire to be intimate, amount of other partners and friends and family. There are many things that change the time and space you potentially can share with a partner or lover, and you have to make peace with this to be a healthy option in a poly relationship.
Some people only have one day a week to share, maybe one night only. Some have a few days one week and nothing for a while after. Maybe it’s even once a month. Maybe its four times a week, day and night. You never know what you will get, nor when it will change. This open policy, and the ability to balance it with someone else’s life, will determine your poly possibility.
3. How do you deal with conflict?
Another variable that greatly depends on the type of jealousy you might feel, and the ways you might react to feeling such jealousy. Also, the understanding of the relationship you have, as well as the number of other poly partners that might be in the mix, will determine what kind of conflict you have, and how you respond to them. Are you a screamer? Are you a silent ninja? Are you a backstabbing cynic? Are you a crying mess? How do you deal with conflict?
I like to be honest about my biggest flaws, and be adult about discussing SOLUTIONS. It’s easy to focus on problems in poly, and to give up while just quitting on the philosophy and say, “I should just be monogamous.” But it’s NOT easier, nor is the grass greener in the more traditional realm of life. Having poly partners can sometimes minimize conflicts because you have more people to help negotiate issues, and talk to.
4. How do you deal with safe sex issues?
Poly is all about being good with what works for YOU, and for me that means wearing condoms with ALL my partners, except one who is in menopause and doesn’t worry about getting pregnant.
I then began having sex without a condom with one other partner because I was shooting a lot of porn movies with her, and it was totally discussed with my other partners, and why I felt safe and comfortable doing so. Testing was shared, arguments were addressed, issues were confessed, and eventually we all got to a place of acceptance and pleasure.
I’m Captain Condom when it comes to my other partners—I really do NOT fuck around and be sloppy with condom use. I have hundreds in store. If you want to do honorable poly, please just be safe. Get tested if you want to be fluid bonded. Be super open with your other partners.
5. How many partners is too many?
Only YOU can know your limit of Love, my friend. I had ten partners before the You Know What happened and messed up my love life for the past year! I was at the peak of my powers as a polyamorous professional sex worker, and I was loving my life beyond belief! I had my always-organized schedule packed, my condom stash, my part-time lovers and my fuller-time lovers, my porn friends, and all kinds of fun things going on in my love life.
I had to do an inventory of who I wanted to spend my time with, because there’s only so many hours in a day and only so many days in a week! Even if there were a few visits that only lasted an hour or two, and I could see three lovers in a day sometimes (which DID happen occasionally), there is still a limit to what one can do in a finite world, LOL. So you determine what works best for you, and DO NOT get greedy.
Start slow. I spent a full year with three partners and was very happy doing that. It took me MANY years before I worked my way up to ten partners. Do not be selfish and just collect poly partners because you can. Show up to every relationship—fully. And then enjoy the ride all the way.
All the best luck and love to you,
Addi “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart