Tips & Advice

Putting the Time into All Your Poly Relationships

Couple Cuddling on Couch

Time is a thing. It matters. That may sound trite and obvious to a three-year-old child who has to sit in the corner for a timeout, but there’s a reason why time matters. And that reason is: the value of the trust that comes with time spent together.

Pay attention, you just might save a future relationship with this info!

So… there are times when you can get away with bloody murder in a relationship and not face any consequences. When are those times? Probably somewhere far down the road in love’s life, and probably not at a time when and where you can easily predict with hubristic accuracy and egotistical aim. I don’t suggest such ballsy bullshit.

That said, there are times when your actions or inaction are more acceptable in a relationship, allowed to be imperfect, inelegant and maybe even outright ignorant. I don’t condone being an ignorant ass for the sake of shits and giggles.

Once some real rough baby steps and new healing has happened, then trust is the glue that allows people to travel time and space in great distances without needing the typical attachments and unstable emotions that most fairy-tale relationship models are based on. And that shit is not sustainable, thank you very much divorce rate!

So yeah, put in time.

Weekends? Show up. Weekdays? Send messages, or show up. Special occasions? Do something valuable—a tiny note, a gift, a text message with a sexy picture. Put in time and feel the trust expand into the future that you’re trying to make happen.

Being a person of your word and honoring promises paves the path to explore wild things with other people, enact fantasies you never imagined, do all kinds a sexy shit.

Without some kind of representation of intention to cause a connection of depth and breadth, then it’s all just copy-and-paste text on the internet and a bunch of weak-ass reschedules that happen on the phone. Trust me, you can do better.

Polyamory allows people to build multiple trust levels at the same time… but it takes absolute focus—Shawn Carter trying to hook up with Queen Bee level of focus. Put in the concern, and watch the magic manifest slowly but surely.

Addi Stewart

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