If you’re curious about polyamory, it can be intimidating. It can seem like poly people are sometimes wary of poly-curious or noncommittal newcomers.
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From our point of view, we sometimes think judgemental outsiders want to gawk at us or look for our flaws or faults, as if monogamy has nothing to hide. At other times, we don’t want to get hurt by people who ultimately go back to their old lives with no regard for our feelings and our families.
Still, you’ll probably be surprised to find that for the most part, we are friendly, open minded and helpful. Once you wade in and break the ice, you will probably find the answers to your questions and make new friends or lovers.
We do understand that polyamory is not for everyone, and that people sometimes need to explore the lifestyle to see for themselves. We also genuinely want to share the joys of poly living with others so that they too can enjoy the benefits.
Here’s are some ways you can jump in if you are poly curious!
Learn from experience.
Just like any relationship, the best way to learn is by doing. If you want to see what polyamory is like, then open yourself and be prepared to say yes, the next time a date suggests he’s already married but in an open relationship, or any other way the subject presents itself.
Don’t assume you can’t handle it or that it’s going to be strange. Sometimes a shift in mindset from the dominant society’s is all that is needed.
It happened for me naturally: a wonderful guy I wanted to go out with told me honestly, “I’m flattered you asked me out. I’m in an open relationship, and it’s totally okay with my girlfriend. If you’re okay with that, then let’s go out, and we’ll take it from there.”
I appreciated his candor and being upfront helped empower me to take control of the situation, rather than feeling duped later. To my surprise, I never did feel the expected jealousy after sleeping together. I knew he went home to another female, but it felt fine.
Talk to the experts: poly people themselves.
There are countless resources on polyamory. We have blogs, we have books about polyamory, we have online chat forums for everything from sex to gardening tips.
Make use of the human resources you already know.
Pay attention. You already know people who are polyamorous. Everyone does. You might not know they are because it was never relevant, but now that you are tuned in, be alert and aware for cues.
When you do realize that your brother, your veterinarian or one of your work-out friends are poly, simply tell them you’re interested in learning more about the poly experience and that you think you might want to be poly, too.
Find symposiums, seminars, or retreats.
Sometimes it’s not appropriate to express your poly curiosity. Maybe you live in a small town that is ultra conservative (still, don’t assume conservative people aren’t poly. We are everywhere; we are everyone.) Maybe you’re shy. There are great workshops, meetups and retreats where you can go and spend a few hours or a few days with poly people.
Such events can be sourced online. You can travel to a nearby locale or even further for an exciting adventure away, and no one needs to know until you’re ready to come out as poly.
There’s a great deal to be learned from workshops, and there are poly workshops on every imaginable topic. Google some keywords to find current options, anytime.
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