Facts & Info

Do You Need to Feel Extra Special in Your Poly Relationships?

Couple in Bed

We all like to feel special sometimes. On our birthday it’s nice to be spoiled. On Mother’s or Father’s Day it’s great to be acknowledged. But what if you’re someone who needs to feel special ALL THE TIME?

You might notice that your relationships are fraught with drama, and feel that no one understands or appreciates you. In an egalitarian poly dynamic, the need to feel special can set you up for even greater disappointment because by the very definition of egalitarianism, everyone in your polycule is as special as everyone else!

You Expect that Little Bit More

Everyone must understand and silently sign off on the fact that you deserve more than you’ve asked for. If you agree to text once a day while your partner is on vacation with your metamour, you text twice a day and expect them to reply immediately.

If your partner says they have to leave at 5pm because their live-in partner expects them home for dinner, you find a way to detain them until 5:30. You’re not demanding per se, just consistent in your requests to make exceptions.

You Believe Your Needs are More Important than the Needs of Others

Your life is bigger and more demanding than your partners’. You have more responsibilities and more riding on your job. You are under more stress and therefore require greater understanding. You don’t compromise, and you resent anyone who asks you to; can’t they see how important this is to me?

If a partner asks for similar treatment, you feel that they are conceited and acting unreasonably. They owe you this!

You Need to Know that Your Partner Loves You the Most

You’re one person in an egalitarian poly triad, but you need to feel that you’re everyone’s favorite. In private, you expect your partners to tell you so, and when they don’t, you feel hurt.

You believe deep down that you need to stand out in order to be loved, and any indication that you are but one in a group inflames your feelings of insecurity. What if they love each other more than me? I need to make sure I’m their top priority.

You Equate Disappointment with Rejection

If—for whatever reason—one of your partners can’t follow through with plans, you assume it’s because they don’t love you or value your connection. They could be bleeding from their eyeballs or dealing with a family emergency, but that doesn’t factor into your reasoning at all. If they disappoint you, it’s because you are obviously not their singular focus, and that absolutely crushes you.

You need your partners to be there whenever you want them to be. If they aren’t, you feel justified in creating drama or pulling the plug on the whole relationship.

You Blame Everybody Else

If your inflated sense of entitlement creates problems in your polycule, it’s because your metamour is unreasonable or because you partner is unfeeling. You’re so caught up in chasing everyone’s love and attention that you fail to turn your gaze inward and reflect on some of the ways in which you might be damaging your relationships and driving people away.

If, in interpersonal conflict, you feel like the victim more often than not, chances are you’re not taking enough responsibility for your actions. Try a little therapy and introspection. Start taking care of your own emotional needs and soon you might find that your whole life gets easier.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions? If so, fear not. My next poly post will offer advice on how to deal.

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Tell us what you think!

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