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10 Ideas Polyamory Could Teach Monogamy

Man with Two Women at Bar

4. Limits are boundaries to honesty
Polyamory tends to begin in a space of negotiation. Monogamy tends to begin in a space of evaluation. When a person creates their relationships with narrow emotional structures from the past as the “safeguards” for their heart, they often fail to protect themselves from things they can’t see coming, and also close their consciousness to the chance of learning something new with someone new because they are afraid of whatever emotional explosions might be set off outside of their comfort zone. Limiting one’s mind and heart simply limits one’s potential in life and love.

5. Needs change over time
Pretending you still need to be together when you really need some space apart (either temporarily or permanently) is one of the ultimate sins of monogamy. People also don’t always need the same thing from the same person for the same amounts of time. If one person is growing at a rate that doesn’t balance healthily with another person, the relationship is destined for trouble. If you don’t confess that your needs now are not the same as your needs when you met someone… you two will eventually need therapy to deal with how much you want to escape the relationship.

6. Freedom is the most beautiful gift you can give someone you love
Like my good brother Morpheus in The Matrix: I can’t tell you about freedom of love. You have to experience it for yourself. And you also have to experience what it’s like to let yourself become free in the responsibility to love someone who is also full of their own freedom.

7. Commitment can come in many different shapes and sizes
The concept of a “part-time boyfriend/girlfriend” is a very underrated phenomenon. And the  VALUE of an emotional and intellectual relationship with a sex worker is EXTREMELY underrated. If a monogamous man grew the desire to have a consensual sexual relationship with his high school sweetheart once a month to help her through her divorce, and his current girlfriend was not a jealous woman… I don’t see what’s wrong with that relationship! It’s win-win-win all around, and could definitely grow into something beyond the typical “stay the hell away from your ex’s” thing that happens with most monogamous relationships.

8. Steel sharpens steel
Jealousy dulls the sparkle of the soul. If you don’t see relationships with others as competition, there is no reason to be insecure with yourself, and you might be able to see everyone as a possible companion, lover, friend, confidant, teacher, soulmate, source of joy, adventurer, or something else, instead of just reducing the world into “the person I have sex with” vs. “everybody else”!

9. Society’s judgement need not disturb the dreams we have in our bedroom
Society’s judgement need not disturb the dreams we do in our bedroom. Society’s judgement need not disturb the dreams we do in our bedroom. And just in case you didn’t fully comprehend that: The society YOU live in right now NEVER needs to disturb the crazy, sexy, cool, cruel and beautiful dreams that YOU consensually have with your partner in YOUR bedroom!

10. Recognizing when what’s on paper isn’t working in practice
And this is the part where we all jump in the same sleeping bag of passion: if you really only want one person… then do it! Monogamy isn’t a bad idea on paper, it just can be a bad idea in practice, when the contract of the relationship doesn’t match the content of the relationship!

So, there you have it. I’m not saying “everyone should be polyamorous”. Lord no! That’s like saying “everyone should be Muslim!” or “everyone should be vegan!” and that just doesn’t work on Planet Earth.

Everyone should do what works for them. And I just know that monogamy doesn’t work for everyone doing it, which is why I had to write these 10 reasons for you to compare them…

But whether you are being polyamorous or monogamous, asexual or ultrasexual: as long as you are happy, that’s all that really matters, and that’s all I really want for you.

That being said: let’s not lie about what we have to do to reach our own highest level of happiness!

In love,
Addi Stewart

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