Help Me Help You Help Her Help Us All
To anyone who may feel like we smugly walk around Polyamoryland with countless sex partners on each arm as we laugh heartily while traipsing towards our regularly scheduled afternoon orgy, let me teach you something! It’s not (exactly) true! We only have orgies AFTER discussing our fetishes and boundaries… so we can trade tips for new positions in the orgy!
Ha ha, just kidding. As we have previously established, the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence of monogamy. Polyamory requires just as much sunlight, water and cutting, no matter what type of freaky sexy fun fertilizer you feed it. I do my best to not take dumps on monogamy when I write these articles. But sometimes, when you drop bombs of truth, certain repercussions are unavoidable.
There is a truth to the healthy practice of polyamory: you work out certain emotional muscles and exercise the intimate energy that regulates parts of the body, mind and soul that monogamy doesn’t exactly address or engage directly! So, I have come up with a little list of bad habits that tend to disappear when polyamory shows up to party! This is certainly not a definitive list, but check it out:
Complacency – When you know your lover always has the option to make a connection with someone else in the world, you just can’t get too comfortable with your position in their life! A person who cares about their partner(s) will always (if not often) be thinking of ways to personally grow and expand their passion because they know that resting on their laurels is a great way to have the velvet rug pulled out from under their heart! If it’s in the connection contract that partners can look elsewhere if they’re unhappy, it puts pressure on all parties to not act like all the work is done because the chase is over. The chase is NEVER over in polyamory. You can catch as much love as you like!
Irresponsibility – Any healthy polyamorist will quickly learn that time management is one of the core elements to properly juggling and sustaining your relationships! Whether you set up your heart where you have Trevor Tuesdays and Martin and Michelle Mondays, or you spend three hours with each date every day, you’ll have to figure out how to navigate the energy in your heart to properly interact with the lovers that also want to be in there… with or without over-lapping the moments with each! And you can’t just say “I forgot to call” or “Whoops! Oh hey, Trevor, meet Michelle! Remember the girl I was telling you about?” That’s a quick way to find yourself alone. DON’T be irresponsible with the power of polyamory! Communicate. Often.
Apathy – Welcome to the dream! But wait, now you got three people to take out on dates on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday? That’s three times the amount of brainstorming you have to do to come up with fun things to do with your partners! Don’t let this opportunity slide through your sweaty palms! Take the bull by the horns, and steer your way to excitement, and then make your way to adventure, and then take a trip to surprise! Polyamory and apathy are horrible bed partners. A poly relationship can drastically change in a day, in an hour, in a phone call… just like a monogamous one I suppose, but people in monogamous relationships generally expect a level of stability and familiarity from their partner. Which often breeds contempt! But poly folks can’t get lazy and expect to “settle into a groove” in the traditional sense…
Insecurity – Yes, nobody’s a perfectly assembled creature without any jagged edges or incomplete parts. We’re all people projects in progress. But, you’re not twelve anymore, friendo. You have to grow up sometime and decide to know what you offer emotionally. You can’t pretend you have traits you don’t actually possess, like players in monogamy often try to get away with… where someone might say “Ha ha ha! I’m not actually a marine biologist, but we just had sex and you invested this much time and energy already… wouldn’t it just be easier to stay together instead of breaking up?” Polyamory helps kill that kind of unstable identity madness, and makes a person figure out what emotional gourmet dishes they will bring to the relationship table when it’s time to enjoy the feast of love. Know thyself!
Jealousy – The best thing of all to not have in your life. The more one practices polyamory, the more they hopefully will be able to laugh and joke about this insidious little creature that poisonously permeates so many intimacies and modern bonds. Jealousy doesn’t bring anyone closer in a healthy way. Jealousy is like a dog chain that a jealous person yanks around their lover’s throat to say “Hey! I’m afraid you’ll run away and never come back! So this pain will make you stay! Now love me!!” And that’s not Love, I don’t care what anyone says. Just like a dog is not a tyrannosaurus rex, I don’t care what anyone says! A tyrannosaurus rex is not jealous of a dog’s bark or it’s bite. Be a tyrannosaurus rex, and be comfortable in your skin (even if it’s hard and scaly). There is only one of you, and your passion can’t be chained or contained. We are all wild beasts of joy that require freedom and space and time. Jealousy kills all of these possibilities. Jealousy kills joy!!!
Polyamory is a wild creature when you find him or her or it in the world, but dancing with it certainly will calm your soul on a variety of levels. Your life will have the option of allowing more intimate entertainment in it, but your life will NOT suffer from these five deadly sins, as well as being free of even more horrible little things!
In love,
Addi
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