I was assigned to write a Valentine’s Day post for Polyamory Today. What should have been an easy task for a horndog poly-partner like me is instead crippling.
I hate to disappoint my boss, but if, dear reader, you came to hear about a romantic poly Valentine shagfest, then you must turn back. But stay if you want an example of how the poly lifestyle isn’t always about free love and Fridays. Valentine’s Day can be a heartache.
(I think it’s fair to post – and share – a sad Valentine’s Day story. Not everyone is lucky.)
My only partner has a partner of her own. He’s her primary partner. But I never feel secondary. She and I have an awesome relationship, we see each other as often as we like, and I adore her primary partner. I don’t have any other partners in my life because I don’t feel like anything’s missing. But having no other partners makes her my primary – and sadly alone on Valentine’s Day.
I would never say anything to her; she’s not doing anything wrong. And trust me, I wouldn’t give up the benefits of a poly lifestyle for anything. But this is a drag. Although I knew better, when this upcoming Valentine’s Day first crossed my mind, I asked her if she’d made any plans (I carefully posed it, “Do you and X have any plans for Valentine’s Day?”) Somehow I hoped he’d be working late, or anything, something, to free her for me. She had plans, and I pretended to be thrilled as she told me all about them. Actually they sounded great. Argh.
Let me say here and now that this relationship means the world to me. But with polys come primaries and secondaries and thirdzies and fourzies and whatever your pleasure. I may not have a traditional relationship, but it’s a relationship. And sometimes, in a relationship, you get a little heartache. That’s easy enough to live with when you love someone enough. And I love this girl enough, and I take comfort knowing Valentine’s Day is only one day. Thank goodness I have a cat.
BUT – Valentine’s Day is a particularly nasty day to sit around with a broken heart, isn’t it? So I’m also a little pissed because I feel like a bit of a loser. Thanks, primary. I’ll likely spend the night online, wanking, getting wasted. Probably not in that order.
It’ll be cathartic. I’ll wake up healed, if not strung-out.
I’ll call her at lunch and ask how her Valentine’s date went, and really care.
And I promise my next post will be more up-tempo.
Let Love Rule!