First Rule of Polyamory: Don’t Compare!

If there is one unspoken rule in polyamory that I would liken to the first rule of Fight Club (of course, it being “Don’t talk about Fight Club”) it would go thusly:


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The third rule is a little different in my books: Make sure you don’t force various lovers to compete with one another.

It may sound like the first two rules… because it means the same thing. And why is it so important to me? It’s about as important to keeping poly pure as NOT sleeping with other lovers is to keeping monogamy pure. Simply because the point of poly is to NOT foster jealousy and enmity and anger between the multiple lovers and partners one is cultivating connections with.

Metaphorically, if this were a young child raising its favorite animals, it would not be wise for that child to teach those animals to fight each other for the child’s love and protection. That’s just crazy talk!

The reality is: being able to balance the perfect equilibrium and tensile strength when bouncing and traveling from one relationship to the next is the gift of the tightrope-like poly practitioner, and not trying to walk on two ropes at the same time is probably the smartest way to not fall off! When you’re on one line, you focus all your weight, strength, love and hope on that one singular path.

Focus your attention to what’s in front of you, and you will be okay. I have never actually thought of this tightrope metaphor for polyamory, but it’s going to be used again because it’s apt as fuck!

This level of focus is what I have when it’s sexual or emotional with my poly lovers. I can honestly say in the last five years and probably longer, I’ve never ONCE mistaken one woman’s name for another, or mixed up a lover during intercourse or while sharing deep emotions and thoughts. I’ve not said one person’s philosophy to another person in total selfish chaos, like some inattentive playa that just called the wrong woman’s phone line and mentioned a different lover’s name.

No sirree, not me. I don’t compare, compete, conflict, connive, control, convert, constrain, contain, conspire or convolute love or polyamory!

And it’s pure bliss, day after day (except when monogamous people try to compare their life to mine, and try to tell me my relationships aren’t real… GRRRRRR! I hate that shit, LOL)

I love you all, still,
Addi Stewart

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