Polyamory is a complicated piece of emotional machinery to keep flying up in the air. There is no auto-pilot. It is a plane to paradise, but there are ten thousand dials, knobs, buttons and gadgets to adjust in the cockpit, and if one thing is off, then the whole trip and the entire plane, with all the passengers, are all in jeopardy. That’s why there is a Black Box. It records EVERYTHING that the pilot and the watch tower say to each other.
Every relationship should have a black box. Something apart from each person’s personal memory, something external that records everything that each party says to the other. Something that permanently documents all the words, the silence, the nuances, the subtlety, the screams, the whispers, the overlapping dialogue, the ignorance, the snide remarks, the compliments, the confessions, the cold hard truth and the hot sexy fantasy. Everything.
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Because if and when the plane crashes, what’s the first thing that is attempted to be found, after the survivors? The Black Box. The thing that records ALL the conversations had. Why? Because that’s where they can start to analyze things and see where things went wrong. Once people are determined, okay, and the fires are put out… once the wreckage is started to be sifted through for the remains of the day, then what matters is the records of what went wrong, and where and why.
MOST of the time, what went wrong is a lack of communication! Of course, things like lightning storms, a mountain or terrorist missile is something that can go VERY wrong, and it’s probably going to be hard to communicate something that can’t be seen! But that’s another problem altogether, and no one in the relationship can be blamed for that. The metaphorical equivalent: funeral, death in the family, fired from job, etc.
The bottom line is: if the pilots on the plane don’t communicate with the watch tower, nobody will know how safe the flight is. And everyone on the flight has to communicate! The stewardesses, attendants, co-pilots, mechanics, baggage handlers, everyone! If there’s one problem on the plane, it could affect ten other things, that affect fifty other things, that will eventually make the flight unsafe, and jeopardize the journey of everyone on it!
There can’t be any sustained ignorance to one’s personal well being, or the potential joy another partner might feel will be at risk. If there’s a triad or quad of poly partners, and one of them has a lingering sports injury that is messing with their generous energy in their sex life, then if left unexpressed and unchecked, it might, and probably will, cause a rift in the relationships between the rest of the partners. It’s like one of the wings on the plane starts billowing smoke. It might be able to fly, but it’s not safe, and the people on board will be worried like hell. As they should be!
The metaphor is real, ha ha. Whether it’s just one lover on your flight to paradise, or a poly party with fifty friends, the smallest thing might fuck up the flight to Funlandia. It doesn’t mean the plane is going to crash, as we know, it’s safer to fly in a plane than it is to drive in a car. Most poly relationships are not destined to crash and burn. But some of them are not safe: and the ones that are the most UNSAFE are the ones that LACK CONSTANT BACK-AND-FORTH COMMUNICATION!
It’s only a matter of time before a lack of communication destroys your polyamorous relationship. And since cell phones may keep texts, you may think you have some version of a black box, and I’m sure it does have its use as some kind of documentation device, but it doesn’t record every conversation in the real world, or things you say when you’re on the phone, and not texting. There’s no way to know where things starting going wrong.
Communication will let you know EXACTLY who, what, where, when and why the flight went down. So you know better for next time how to fly free.
In love’s awareness,
Addi Stewart
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