According to general human protocol, there are a few basic ground rules and facts that we are inclined and inspired to share during our first genuine moments together in what is expected and anticipated in becoming a sincere and authentic friendship… much less an intimate connection.
STIs and kinky fetishes? NOT quite necessary to share in the first sixty minutes, and NOT necessary to confess on the first date no matter how inquisitive and aggressively curious anyone may be about such matters and affairs. Reveal when you wish to, and only when you feel safe to!
What to Share on a First Date
Tell Her You Are Polyamorous
Reveal that you are NOT monogamous, and that you are OKAY with people having other partners… if you actually ARE okay with it! If you have jealousy issues, it’s okay to confess that you are working on them. Don’t lie about the level of comfort you have with poly behavior.
Reveal Your Primary Relationship Status
Rather than reveal their name, say something like, “I spend a lot of time with a person who I’ve been with for a year, and we occasionally co-habitate and share partners, meals, and a cat.” This is a safe way to share a lot of poly truth, without betraying a lot of poly trust.
Nobody has technically been revealed outright, so no privacy issues need to be worried about. You have communicated the fact that you are with someone else, but this someone else is okay with you meeting other people, and that other people will have to know about your “primary” or other partner in theory if not in practice, aka in person.
Talk about Your Current Needs
If you want a friend with benefits, this first date is a great place to express such things. Lay it out on the table within the first hour if chemistry and conversation are that good. No need to lie about wants because if they don’t match, a second date will only be sought if you want to satisfy other needs besides poly stuff!
If you want someone to introduce to your poly tribe, TELL them. It takes practice and courage, but if you’re REALLY poly, there’s zero future in acting like you’re monogamous for as long as you can until you spill the beans like “OOPS! I really am into group love and kinda am seeking it from people… surprise!”
Share some Personal Information
It’s not like you can’t be friends with monogamous people. But if you are going on dates to look for poly people, CHOOSE some personal information you are willing to confess to let them get to know who you are beyond the five Ws of the present situation. Also RESPECT your boundaries of what you will NOT reveal to anyone, no matter how intensely they ask. Let time peel back the layers of your sexy poly past. But don’t keep the gates up forever!
Prepare to dance with the truths you are presented. Some people are going to earn more time on the dance floor of destiny.
Follow your instincts, and use your truth like a sword. Cut through the lies and mind games, and you’ll eventually find the people you go on date after date after date with.
Happy exploring,
Addi Stewart
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