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Jealousy vs Compersion

Two Men Fight Over Woman

Imagine this scenario: one evening you look out your window to the street below just in time to catch your partner returning from a date with a new crush. As your eyes rest on their hands, fingers interlaced comfortably, you notice the spring in your partner’s step, the giddy smile, the buoyant vibe emanating from them both. Then, two heads lean together, and as you witness the drawn-out, sensual goodnight kiss, you feel . . . at peace, happy for your partner, and maybe even a little turned on. Huh?

On the web, compersion is widely described as the feeling of joy at seeing one’s partner derive pleasure (not necessarily sexual) from a loving relationship with someone else. Or, in other words, it’s the opposite of jealousy. The idea seems to be that if everyone’s needs are being spelled out and met in the primary relationship, then it becomes a little easier to watch one’s partner experiencing NRE with someone else, and still feel secure in the strength and love provided by the initial relationship. When this ideal state is reached, experiencing your partner’s happiness second-hand and being happy for him or her rather than turning inward and seeing the new spark as a lack or loss for yourself is more of a choice than an impossibility. This argument obviously goes against the “common knowledge” of jealousy as a feature of human nature, and even the belief held by many that it’s a healthy feeling to experience when you’re mad about someone.

Anita Wagner Illig from Practicalpolyamory.com, explores this topic thoroughly in her downloadable article, Cultivating the Spirit of Compersion in Polyamorous Relationships. As Wagner outlines in her article, Jealousy is about fear, and compersion can only be felt when we truly accept fear – whether it’s fear of abandonment, loss, change, or something unknown – and work to move past it. Standing in the way we may also find competition and possessiveness, two other uglies very familiar to poly folks.

In order to have honest and open connections with others, we need to do some serious work on ourselves to challenge the default reactions and assumptions that our society has cultivated surrounding relationships and love. It’s worth taking some private time to think about your feelings regarding ownership of another person, especially one whom you love dearly. Talking to your partner about your feelings, even when you’re still struggling along the rocky road to compersion, even when you may be embarrassed or ashamed at the place you find yourself stuck, can be a great relief. You may even find that your partner is having the same issues, and being aware of one another’s journey from jealousy to compersion will remind you that you’ve got someone close who understands and supports you – and it’s the very person you most want to see happy.

For further reading on the subject of jealousy and compersion, I highly suggest Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.

For those experienced in poly love: Have you got any tips to share about overcoming jealousy and reaching a state of compersion?

Tell us what you think! 4 Comments

  1. Eric

    July 2, 2012 at 9:57 am

    I think the word “crush” isn’t the right one here. First, it describes a child like euphoria felt when you meet someone new and the attraction is mutual.

    Also, I think that after meeting a new lover of your mate, compersion can be wonderful. We’re happy; now, when she meets someone and I’ve met them, seeing them happy is compersion. Its transparent, and also makes you feel comfortable knowing your partner is with someone you like and trust.

  2. Theresa Tong

    July 26, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    Your website has really helped me clear my head about some issues I have been dealing with in my poly relationships. Compersion is exactly what I needed to be reminded of. I honestly don’t know if one becomes poly over time or if one is born that way. What I DO know is that no matter what emotional energy I happen to be experiencing within my poly relationships, I am ever mindful of the rule of compersion. At one point, my anatomy decided for me that I would become temporarily monogamous. It was about a six month stint. Even so, I never felt that my partner of focus should follow in my unfortunate hormonal footsteps and do the same. That’s why I am so incredibly perplexed when an acquired third partner begins expressing possessive or jealous feelings after a few months into sexual relations. I am interested in hearing about others and if they find this a common problem and how they deal with it.

    • Holly

      Holly

      July 28, 2013 at 1:11 pm

      Thanks for this detailed comment, Theresa. I’m going to pass it along to Addi, one of our poly writers and see if he’ll address some of these issues in an upcoming post(s).

      • Theresa Tong

        July 29, 2013 at 10:59 am

        Dear Holly,
        I’m glad you want to address some of the compersion/jealousy issues I addressed in my response. I have been poly for 15 years now and it continues to amaze and befuddle me when my partners suddenly assume they have the right to change the parameters of Relationship/relationships just because they have fallen “in love”. I realize one may not be able to control how they feel, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that you are entitled to lose your mind just because your feelings have changed. That’s what I want poly folks to get in a big way.

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